IR Dating Coach (Zabeth)

Questions From Non-Black Men

2012-01-28T15:31:00.000-08:00

Non-black men are interested, ladies.

I’ve received messages from non-black men seeking answers as to what are the best ways to meet and relate to YOU. I often wonder if we as BW are sometimes missing the signs and signals- I admit I may also be guilty of this as well. So I thought a blog post would be a great way to answer some questions I’m getting and to also hopefully generate some discussion.

One of my pet peeves about men who give relationship advice to women is that although it is good to hear their perspectives they can’t always understand the female experience and how their advice impacts it. So forgive me if as a woman I cannot completely relate to the male experience.

Finally, as every woman is different and has her own individual preferences I can only speak in generalities. On to the questions, round one!

How can you tell if she’s interested? What are the signs, facial expressions, and body language?

Sometimes in the seemingly never ending bus-i-ness, women aren’t always up on their flirt game. Sometimes we’re just not even thinking about it. BUT there are some subtle signs that she may be interested or open to interacting with you:

Does she smile at you or in your direction?'
Can you recognize her 5 second flirt?
Does she compliment you or ask you for help with something?
When you're talking does she seem interested or engaged in the conversation?
Is her demeanor pleasant, cheerful, happy?
Body language - is her body pointed toward yours (i.e. legs crossed, knees pointed in your direction).

Ladies, this is also a heads up for you- are you putting any of the above into practice while you're out and about?

For the men, with all that said keep in mind though that you are the man in this situation and (despite what some would say) we do still live in a patriarchal society so, if you are interested you should approach her first. I understand the fear of rejection but it's a part of life that we all deal with- men and women both.

What do black women like, makes them happy, and what are they really looking for?

This is pretty individual as each woman has different needs. But I think BW for the most part want to be honored, loved, cherished, protected, and respected by the men in their lives. If you can demonstrate that to her that you can do that then you will go far.

If there is a woman you are interested in particular, see if there is a way to find out what makes her happy or what makes her tick. Talk to her friends or associates (this can be done in a casual, informal, way without belying your interest), or befriend her.

I would caution though that unfortunately, there are some BW out there that are just un-responsive or un-moved by non-black men and no matter how persistent the man may be she will still remain closed to him. If you find yourself interacting with a woman like this I would suggest cutting your losses and moving on.

What are BW looking for in a man?

Probably the same things that other women are looking for. Again, this is an individual question as each woman will be different. What may help is to first determine what you need and what you can bring to the relationship table. This will help you and the women you're involved with to better determine if you're a good fit for each other.

What are the best ways to meet BW?

Online dating would be the obvious approach and there are great sites out there: Match.com or InterracialMatch.com. I would also suggest a 2 pronged approach though:

Get in to her environment
Look around your own environment.

Approach #1.) - I've always suggested to women to first figure out what kind of man you want to be with and the figure out a way to get into his world. So I'd say the same to men. Determine the type of woman you'd need in your life and then figure out where she would be: Who is she? Will she work in a particular industry? Live in a certain neighborhood? Be of a certain faith? Have specfic types of interests? Attend certain types of events? Etc.

Approach #2.) - Take a look around your own environment (i.e. your workplace, religious community, etc.) are there any black women of interest to you there? I say this because as a non-black man you don't have to deal with the issues of race and self-segregation unless you choose to; therefore, if there are BW in your immediate environment- workplace, neighborhood- it's more likely that she would be receptive to your approach then women who interact in more segregated environments. Make sense?

I look forward to your feedback and comments on this topic.

Sometimes I Just Can't Write

2012-01-22T15:44:00.000-08:00

..Sometimes I feel like I've run out of things to say.

I'm glad that there are other black women's interest bloggers out there, some brand new and others recently discovered, providing fresh and alternative voices to the mainstream:

A Swirl Girl
http://aswirlgirl.com/
@ASwirlGirl

The World of Miss. Glamtastic
http://missglamtastic.blogspot.com/

The Moxie Sophic Blog
http://themoxiesophic.com/
@TheMoxieSophic

LorMarie’s Place
http://lormariesplace.com/

She Wore A Pink Flower In Her hair
http://sheworeapinkflower.blogspot.com/

Married Girl In A Weird World
http://marriedgirlinaweirdworld.wordpress.com/
@blk_dahlia2

I Strongly Encourage You To Take A Media Fast

2012-01-10T21:40:00.000-08:00

The internet has done wonders for my insecurity, and I don't mean that in a positive way.

I strongly encourage everyone to take a media fast at one point or another. I've done several. For Lent last year I gave up social media (Facebook and Twitter) and I closed out last year without Facebook at all. I didn't check my FB account for the month of December and I also did a massive friend/page purge. For the new year I intend to spend less time on the social media website. I still like Twitter however as I feel that it is a bit more insulated and doesn't put everything out there like Facebook does.

I've also stopped reading many gossip and celebrity blogs. Of the blogs that I frequent, I've kept my participation in the comments sections to a minimum. I still like to catch up on the news and read my Sunday paper (coupons!) but even that can be too much sometimes considering what the news media has become and the fact that negative news is much more likely to sell papers. Overall I've decided to spend less time reading articles about:

Statistics!
Relationships
Marriage rates
Divorce rates
Infidelity
What people want/don't want
Fertility/Infertility
Why you're single (Do these people know YOU personally?)
What you should be doing, what you're doing wrong, why you're not perfect.

I'm officially over it. Everyone will have an opinion, thought, or idea that is unique to their own experiences. Don't let someone else's experiences inform your personal reality. I found that to be happening.

Social media is a great way to connect and I cannot count how many friends and like-minded people I've met through social media. It's also a great way to stay abreast of events and what's happening in your back yard as well as around the world. But I've found that I am a sensitive person and that I really have to be diligent about protecting myself mentally, emotionally, and physically. I have to be careful about what I expose myself to and take in. You might need to too.

9 Signs He May Be a Confirmed Bachelor/Commitment-Phobe/Serial Dater

2012-01-08T17:19:00.000-08:00

Is he 45+ and hasn’t ever been married?

Does he continue to claim that he just hasn’t met the right girl yet?

Did you meet him on an internet dating site? For some men online dating is like shopping in bulk.

Does he claim to want to get married and settle down but hasn’t been in a committed relationship in years…or ever?

Did he disappear on you after 2 or 3 dates? (Don’t try to find him.)

Is he a busy professional that only talks about work to the exclusion of other subjects and interests? Is he married to his career?

Does he know about all of the trendy hot spots and happenings in town? (He maybe more interested being seen out and about with a cute girl than with actually getting to know her.)

Is he content to spend weekends alone or with his buddies and has no interest in seeing you during the weekend?

Is he more interested in bedding you than emotionally connecting with you? Is it difficult for him to connect with people on non-superficial levels?

If you answered yes to 4 or more of these questions you may have a Serial Dater/Commitment- Phobe/Confirmed Bachelor on your hands and should consider continuing to date others.

HAPPY NEW YEAR...

2012-01-01T09:28:00.000-08:00

and welcome 2012! Make this your best year yet.

Gratitude

2011-12-06T15:56:00.000-08:00

I am participating in the 31 Days to Reset Your Life program at Happy Black Woman. The program is designed to help you evaluate your goals and priorities and think about how they relate to your life today and in your future. You can learn more about the program by clicking the links above. Today’s lesson is about gratitude and keeping a gratitude journal!

Research has shown that a sense of thankfulness in your everyday life is good for your mental and emotional health and well-being. I’ve observed this in my life. As described by UC Davis psychologist Robert Emmons:

“The evidence that cultivating gratefulness is good for you is overwhelming. Gratitude is a quality that we should aspire to as a part and parcel of personal growth…Specifically, we have shown that gratitude is positively related to such critical outcomes as life satisfaction, vitality, happiness, self-esteem, optimism, hope, empathy, and willingness to provide emotional and tangible support for other people, whereas being ungrateful is related to anxiety, depression, envy, materialism, and loneliness.”

I also think that this exercise is a great way to reflect during this holiday season. Therefore, I have decided to share part of my gratitude list with you. Today I am grateful for:

The #31DayReset

My career and my amazing work family!

BWE and all of the new BWE and BW’s interest bloggers who are coming up.

A roof over my head and food in the refrigerator

My health

What are you grateful for in your life?

Permission Slip

2011-10-30T17:13:00.000-07:00

As I stated in last week’s post about the documentary Miss Representation:

I feel like the pressure also comes from other women with their own agendas too. Like society, some feminist minded women like to box women in to a limited set of parameters and choices that measure up to their equally narrow vision of womanhood. It’s almost as if women today have less freedom to self define themselves. We are pulled in many different directions and it can be confusing and frustrating. Hard to hear your voice amongst all the noise.

Repeat after me:

There is nothing wrong with wanting to be married.
There is nothing wrong with wanting (or even needing) someone special in your life, as long as it is, hopefully, a healthy want or need.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a man who brings something to the relationship table.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with having standards.
There is nothing wrong with wanting to be a mother, after all it is one of the most important jobs in the world. And if you are at a certain time in your life it’s normal to have an urgency about it.
There is nothing wrong with wanting to look pretty.
There is nothing wrong with wanting to appear feminine and using it to your advantage.

This does not make you pathetic, less than, brainwashed, or a sell out. You are doing something with your life- it just might not be someone else’s definition. You define your own ambition. Once you can be honest about your needs and wants, free from other people’s opinions or objections, you can really do the work needed to achieve the life that you want.

You are your own woman; therefore, you don’t really need my permission...but you have it anyway :-)

P.S.

Happy Halloween!

Miss Representation

2011-10-22T14:29:00.000-07:00

Society places an inordinate amount of pressure on women about the way they look, their age, where and who they should be in life and just about everything else. We are also often given very conflicting messages about these very same issues.

I don’t remember exactly where I first heard about the documentary Miss Representation but I remember hearing about it several times and seeing the trailer below a few times before I had a chance to watch it this past week.

I really enjoyed watching this film. There were somethings that I liked, somethings that I didn't like. Somethings I agreed with and didn't agree with. It made me question many of my own perceptions and beliefs about my fellow womankind like: why are we so competitive with each other? Why don't we trust each other? Why are we so judgmental of each other? To what degree have we been conditioned?

It frames the issues surrounding women, men, and the media as a post feminism backlash - because women have made so much progress there is now this patriarchal push back to put women back in their place so to speak. Women are now more empowered so some men now feel dis-empowered and are unsure of how they fit into society. As I've said before women have changed A LOT over the past few decades while men have pretty much stayed the same; therefore, many men don't know how, or aren't taught how, to look at women in ways other than they did 60 years ago. In a way a disservice has been done to men too.

We are in the midst of a social (and economic) transition and it sucks being caught in the middle!

As a Christian, capitalist, conservative (the big 3Cs) I didn’t like the documentary’s insinuation that conservative and capitalist principles were to blame for the current situation. I don’t agree with this because: 1.) we don’t live in a capitalist system we live in a capitalist-socialist-hybrid 2.) true capitalism gives people the most freedom of choice and opportunity possible. I also think that there is a lot of value in many conservative principles that have been lost over the past few years. In some ways women have confused empowerment and sexual liberation with self-exploitation. We’ve gone from one extreme to the other.

Though the producers claim that the representation is evenly split I still would have liked to have seen more stories from women of color in the film- black women in particular, for obvious reasons- as our experiences in the culture will be wildly different from those of WW. I do feel that there was an even distribution of commentators within in the film but not necessarily an even distribution of stories and experiences. But the solution to that is for more women of color to write and produce their own stories.

Needless to say I have a lot of mixed feelings about Miss Representation. It is thought provoking documentary and I am speaking about it here because I think its important for both women and men to see and discuss. I encourage those reading to find a way to see this documentary and follow the discussion. It is currently running on OWN:

- #missrep on Twitter
- @RepresentPledge
- http://missrepresentation.org/
- https://www.facebook.com/MissRepresentationCampaign

More next week.

Book Review: Is Marriage For White People by Dr. Ralph Richard Banks

2011-10-09T15:56:00.000-07:00

(By someone who actually read the book!)

I was able to attend a book signing with Dr. Banks’ this past Thursday and he signed my copy :-) Dr. Banks strikes me as very eloquent and level headed. What I’ve seen and heard from him, I like so far. However I think he’s presenting a message most BW are not ready to hear- this was made painfully apparent at said book signing.

Before I got hold of my copy of Dr. Banks' book I perused the reviews from various sources to see what people were saying. Now that I've read the book, I can tell that many of these so called reviewers and analysts never even so much as picked up the book. The biases and hidden agendas are becoming quite apparent.

This book is not what people are making it out to be. Is Marriage For White People? sets out to answer the questions: Why are African Americans now the most unmarried people in the country? Why do we marry less and divorce more? What are the consequences? Organized much like a research paper it: presents a problem, reviews the framework of the problem, analyzes relevant data, and then makes a recommendation for policy reform. He even goes into detail about how his research was conducted. Banks only offers up IR dating and marriage as a solution on the very last page of the text.

Banks echoes much of what most of the BWE bloggers have made apparent about the "black community": colorism, man sharing, gender imbalance, marrying down, etc. Dr. Banks provides an effective and eye opening analysis of statistics relating to how the marriage decline is intertwined with other various and important issues which are seemingly magnified within the "black community": abortion, OOW births, divorce, the spread of STDs, infertility, middle class income instability, the wealth gap, and much more. He also does an excellent job of deducing the statistics surrounding BW’s desirability as it relates to online dating in particular. His analysis is thought-provoking and shows how these numbers can be very misleading and that there is in fact a market for BW.

Banks also assess why it is that BW are so loyal to BM, how these mindsets are shaped, and why BW cling to them. In all honesty, reading through those three chapters in particular was mentally exhausting for me. I just couldn’t relate (maybe others can) to all of the mental gymnastics and blockers BW put up in order to rationalize not pursuing an IR relationship.

“If fears of interracial intimacy keep people separate now, it is because those fears embody the echo of the past.” page 169

Dr. Banks is sympathetic to black women and he is willing to address the bad behavior of some (okay, many) black men and the pathologies of the black community that reinforce those behaviors. After reading though I still was not clear on what it was Banks was trying to do with his book. He does answer his questions but he doesn’t necessarily make a very compelling case for interracial marriage for black women. He does present it as an option but if I was not already an IR inclined BW, this book wouldn’t make me take any more of an interest in IR dating as an option. Therefore, I don’t see what people are so riled up about.

This book reads very quickly, almost too quickly. I felt that the book only scratched the surface and that it could have gone into much greater detail. In many respects I felt like I was reading a summary of a much larger report.

Much like Sophia Nelson's Black Woman Re-Defined, I found that this book lends itself very well to group and sociological discussion. Regardless of your position on IR dating or what you believe about marriage rates in the black community I recommend that you read Is Marriage For White People? with an open mind.

NWNW: Lessons For My Daugther About Power

2011-09-21T21:42:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago I started a list for my daughter. A list of life lessons that I’d teach her when she was old enough to understand. This was actually something I had been ruminating on for quite some time...years really.

I don’t have a list of lessons for my son because as a woman I cannot relate to being a man; I can only influence. Besides I think that’s more of his father’s responsibility anyway.

This list is no where near complete and I’m sure it will only get longer. I’m going to be very shrewd with my daughter in a way that my mother wasn’t. I’m going to reinforce the importance of education and having a career of her own (something my mother did exceptionally well- props to Mom!), but I also want to make sure my daughter understands early in her life how to maneuver with men. So let’s all look at this as a practice run through so to speak and any young ladies reading can be my daughters for the day.

The lesson: Women have more power in relationships than they realize.

Contrary to what some would claim P*ssy Power (we’ll refer to it as P-Power for the remainder of this post) does in fact exist and it is very powerful. We will define it here as:

Power held by women, especially seen as coming from inherently feminine qualities or from female sexual allure and sexuality.

Probing Question: How does being or feeling powerless in your relationship benefit you? Is believing that there is no power in your sexuality empowering?

When someone tells you that P-Power doesn’t exist ask yourself: why does this person feel the need to tell me this?

When a man or boy tells you that P-Power doesn’t exist the answer to the above mentioned question should be rather obvious. He benefits from you believing that you have no power in your sexuality and from your decision to yield to him sexually. It makes things much easier for him. When a woman tells you that P-Power doesn’t exist it’s much more complicated.

I’ve heard other women say that P-Power can’t possibly exist nowadays because it is so readily available and easily accessible. To that I say: who made it so accessible? Men didn’t.

No power equals no control. Personally, I think some women like to claim that P-Power is a myth because then they don’t have to take responsibility for having sex and its consequences- good or bad, intended or unintended. For forty years women have been told that they could have sex just like men and that was their equality...until it became apparent that it wasn’t.

My message here is to abstain from sex, especially in your high school years, and if you were my daughter I would tell you to wait until you were married. Abstinence protects you in more ways than one. Not only is it a surefire way to prevent pregnancy but it also prevents the spread of STDs which can hinder your attempts to become a mother when you are ready. Being a realist however, I know that sometimes the lesson needs to be experienced before it can truly be understood.

The bottom line is to approach your sex life and who you choose to have sex with methodically. This really isn’t something to treat casually. You are much too precious for anything less. Your body, your mind, and your reproductive organs deserve to be honored, protected, and treated with respect. After all they bring life into this world. If you take anything away from this post, take that.

This is all not to say that a woman’s sole source of power is between her legs. Women also have tremendous power between their ears. Imagine what you can do if you learned to use the two together and for your good.

NWNW: I'ma Fight Back Right Now

2011-09-21T21:27:00.000-07:00

Dress For The Occasion: It’s Like You’re Not Even Trying

2011-09-19T12:28:00.000-07:00

I’ve noticed a trend among many women of seemingly not even trying for their dates or boyfriends.

Example, Eva Mendes on her date with “Drive” (SEE THIS MOVIE!) star Ryan Gosling. I wouldn’t be surprised if this was all just a publicity stunt organized by their agents and handlers- that aside it makes me sad that the jaw-droppingly-gorgeous Mendes felt okay showing up for her date in a baggy sweatshirt, jeans, no make-up, and cap over her eyes. I know it’s an activity date at Disneyland but she still could have tried a little harder. Maybe she thinks that she doesn’t have to. Or maybe they were trying to be incognito from the paparazzi, though they were found anyway.

I’ve also witnessed it with non-celebrity women as well: having a gentleman come over to “hang out” (mistake #1} only to lounge around with him on the couch in sweatpants or pajamas. Not sexy. What allure and mystery can you possibly maintain in sweats? This is just another symptom of how we treat things too casually in our society.

I know it’s hard when even your guy doesn’t seem to want to dress for the occasion either preferring to show up in casual-cool jeans, T-shirt, and kicks (or in his best friend’s clothes after spending all day surfing at the beach that he didn’t have time to run home and change…but that’s another post, I digress). I’ve heard men explain that they don’t want to seem like they’re trying to hard so they try to keep it casual...but that's also kind of sad in and of itself.

It can be hard to have the motivation to look hot when your date sometimes doesn’t even care how he looks. I know. But how can you expect someone else to take you seriously when you don’t even take how you present yourself seriously? I’m starting to think this is how many women inadvertently disqualify themselves from the potential girlfriend category and move into the friend-with-benefits or jumpoff category.

Personally, I’ve dumped guys who have showed up too many times in jeans and Ts. That signals to me that he isn’t quite mature enough yet for a serious relationship and he isn’t getting the hint. When you have standards, you will sometimes be the odd woman out.

There is something to be said for looking like a lady.

Pounding The Pavement For Love

2011-08-28T15:30:00.000-07:00

Okay, so you’re tired of online dating. I’ve heard you, I get it.

You can’t put all your eggs in one basket anyway, so here are some other things to do. Start with researching where quality men congregate in your town. Be intentional:

Hotel Bars and Pools

This is great if you live in a major metropolitan area like New York, Chicago, Washington D.C., Los Angeles, or Dallas. Go looking cute and busy- like you’re working on something and not just there to hang out. Many hotels will let you chill poolside as long as you order food and drink.

Move

To an expensive or better neighborhood or just change your location, period. Even if all you can afford is a rent controlled studio, it can change your perspective.

Be Philanthropic

Volunteer for a charity or cause that is important to you. Actually give/donate your time and money even if it is only a small amount.

If you are part of a, HEALTHY RELIGIOUS ENVIRONMENT, consider becoming more active there. It can be a great place to meet marriage oriented people.

Change Jobs

Career changes can be hard and depending on the industry, may take much preparation and time. This is not a decision to be taken lightly or made on a whim. Nonetheless consider moving into a profession or job that puts you in the company of men you’d like to meet.

Travel Right

Club Med travel packages are great venues to meet eligible men who also have interest in travel. Research resorts and spas and go during their in-season.

Upscale Grocery Shop

Quality men like to take care of their bodies and are mindful of what they eat- especially if you’re on the west coast. Try perusing the grocery aisles of Whole Foods, Bristol Farms, or Gelsons. Busy men who don’t have much time to cook can be found at the hot food bar between 6 and 8:30pm weeknights.

Good Reads: "How To Do Almost Anything Like An Alphanista"

Collection of Quotes

2011-08-21T18:26:00.000-07:00

"So long as she visualizes interference, it will come." -- Florence Scovel Shinn

"It is usually very difficult for a woman to see herself loved by the man she loves..." -- Florence Scovel Shinn

“If, compared to others you come out with the short end of the stick, you are probably weighing your weaknesses against their strengths. Stop it.” -- Sir Guy

“Be very, very careful of what you expose your mind, spirit, and heart to.” – Zabeth

“The devil’s greatest weapon is discouragement.” -- Rev. Bill Crawford

Hanging Out Is Not Dating

2011-08-14T20:31:00.000-07:00

Ladies…you’re gonna have to raise your standards.

For the sake of your fellow womankind, please raise your expectations.

Hanging out is not dating. Period. It’s lazy.

Going over to a guys house (or having him come to yours) to watch TV or a movie and eat Chinese food is not a legitimate date. And if you decide to have sex with him afterward you’re little more than a friend with benefits or booty call. You deserve better.

He’s not your boyfriend- even if you’ve been doing this dance for 6 months. Don’t believe me? Ask him. Seriously, ask him “Are we in a relationship?” If he looks at you like a deer in headlights or starts stuttering, you have your answer.

So, how do you avoid the hanging out zone? You can start by taking yourself a bit more seriously:

Decline to hang out. Demand to be taken out on real dates. Be ladylike in your approach, you don’t have to do this in a demanding, bitchy way; just simply stop accepting cocktail, coffee, or meet-at-my place dates. You’re busy, crazed at work, or have other engagements to attend to. It’s dinner or you’re just too busy to hang.
Have the uncomfortable conversation. If you’ve been hanging out with a guy for a few weeks or months start asking questions: where do you see this going? Who cares if this puts him off, YOU have nothing to lose at this point except more of your time.
Start pulling away from the relationship. See him less and see others more.

The bottom line is, YOU deserve better. When a man is into a woman he has NO PROBLEM claiming her and defining their relationship. He wants her off the market to other men. That’s the honest truth, stop settling for second rate.

Have you purchased your copy of The New Dating Rules for BW yet?

Love At Any Age

2011-08-07T19:53:00.000-07:00

By Guest Blogger Pamela

I reached out to Pamela to discuss her experiences successfully navigating the dating and relationship field later in life. I've received many questions from readers about this and I'm a firm believer that you can find love and happiness (whatever your definition may be) at any time in your life. Read Pamela's story and I hope that it inspires you no matter where you are in life.

I was glad to be approached by Zabeth to basically use my life as an example of what a more mature woman might go through when starting the dating game later in life. Before I begin I would like to mention how I ended up reading BWE-IR blogs in the first place.

In 2007 I was the only caretaker for my very ill Dad. It was a brutal time to say the least. Somehow I heard about a segment that was going to be aired I think on Good Morning America about black women dating outside the race. I thought I would look at it. I saw that it featured Halima’s IR blog, Black Women’s Interracial Relationship Circle. From there I found out about this blog and many others. I was very excited to see black women, especially the younger ones, writing boldly about a topic that was taboo to speak out loud about when I was a lot younger. Since I married I have not had as much time, especially the past few months to participate like I did back then.

From my experience and those of other mature singles I am convinced that the main problem is our mindsets. I am incredibly strict with the media that I watch or listen to. I just refuse to deal in any kind of fantasy. This decision was made when I was in my 20s. At that time I did not realize how important this decision was when it came time for me to decide to focus on finding that special someone. The media is no friend to black women nor more mature individuals. Because of not partaking of that madness I was able to focus on living my life the way I wanted to according to Christian principles. With that being said there were a few attitudes I changed along the way.

Not all more mature men want younger women. This is one of the biggest lies you see in the media. We must live in the real world and assess our surroundings. It is a total waste of time pondering anything we see on TV or in the movies or in what they have the nerve to call music these days. What others say about us as black women is meaningless.

If a man did not find me attractive then there was NOT automatically something wrong with me. I understood this after being around wonderful quality men that I just could not see spending my life with. Some of them are friends of mine to this day. The feeling of rejection is deadly to one’s view of themselves. That will neuter the passion to pursue romance.

Being somewhat naive in the dating scene was not necessarily a detriment as it was communicated when I was involved mainly in SOME mostly black situations. My lovely husband was glad of this.

Having so-called high standards for a man is NORMAL no matter your age. I did not realize until recent years that the idea of taking what you can get in a man aka do not be too picky aka nothing but a black man was a mantra being chanted to black women no matter their age to keep them in the stable. THANK GOD many have enough sense to get out and have some fun in life. Basically it is communicated that since you do not have the choices you would have had as a younger women you have to take what you can get. NO we can choose to be alone and drama free then to knowingly ask for trouble just to have a warm body in your bed. This is how I define normal standards. The man is a man of impeccable character and honor. He is fiscally responsible. He takes care for his health, including not abusing drugs, alcohol and the like. He has respect for people, especially you and the family unit. He will understand that you are NOT a jump-off but a potential wife that deserves respect. He expects to take care of you. For me a deal-breaker is dealing with a jealous man. In short the man has to come correct, not a work in progress.

There is a real difference between true chemistry and infatuation. It is critical to know the difference between the two because infatuations will generally end fairly quickly. Imagine deciding to marry someone and find out you were only infatuated with them. That would be absolutely dreadful being chained to someone you have no attraction to. When you meet someone where true chemistry exists you WILL want to be with them long term. When I was younger I would not have been able to describe the difference between the two. I struggle describing this now other than explaining what happened to me. I guess one way to describe true chemistry is both parties experiencing romantic passion along with having a lot of things in common. Another way of saying this is that neither of you are trying to cram a square peg into a round hole in order to ‘have a relationship’. To me the things in common include the standards I mentioned above plus (1) similar interests, (2) similar approaches to living your life (how decisions are made), (3) direction and outlook for the future and (4) how the two of you define a romantic relationship, especially when talking long term. The relationship flows together like water flows down a river. That flow will look different for each couple because of the uniqueness of the parties involved. However the flow will be very satisfying for both of you.

I realized that there was a random side to romance that I did not understand as a younger woman. I had thought that you will do all these things to meet people and boom you will connect with someone. Yes the more people you do indeed open yourself up to more opportunities you will meet someone where the two of you experience true chemistry. However that does not mean it will come exactly like you picture it. I know it did not in my case. For example you may do online dating, join clubs that you like, volunteer and the like thinking that you might meet someone there. However you could end up meeting that special someone when you were not attempting to implement a dating strategy. Do not be disappointed in efforts that do not end the way you want them. It could be coming from an entirely different direction.

The thing I did to deal with any pressure about not having a lot of dating experience was to approach men like I would any potential friend with no real strong expectation of romance. This took the feeling of not feeling skilled in the dating game. I had lived long enough to make good friends in my life. This approach was good for me. I would SMILE a lot and look as pleasant as possible. However I was not very calculating about the dating process. I love meeting new people. My assumption was that as I continued to meet and make friends that one of them might be the one lone soul that I found chemistry with and spend the rest of my life with. That happened in April 2009 when I started dating my husband. I was blessed to marry that lovely man ten days after my 50th birthday on December 18, 2009.

You can find out more about Pamela and her husband on their website here.

Are You Up For The Challenge?

2011-07-31T17:06:00.000-07:00

During the month of May I made a commitment to myself that I would go out 5 nights a week. And I did it!

I decided on 5 because doing something every night can run you ragged. I gave myself 2 days off, one of which was typically a Tuesday night as that’s the night I usually perform some beauty maintenance. Monday night’s were already booked as a work out night and Saturday nights were a non-negotiable have something to do. So filling up my schedule was pretty easy.

The point wasn't so much to meet people as it was to get out of the rut of going straight home every night after work and to fill my life with activity.

It doesn’t matter what you do as long as you do something. You don’t have to go out to a bar, a club, or restaurant. If funds are tight it can be something as simple and cheap as going on a night hike with the Sierra Club or going to the park or beach and taking in a sunset, or taking a walk in a wealthy neighborhood or area you’re not familiar with (this is how I fell in love with Manhattan Beach by the way). I also visited a few Toastmasters meetings to see if it was something for me. I joined a new social networking organization during my time too. Here are some things you might consider doing:

Hit the gym and workout.
Speed dating.
Art and cultural openings.
Wine tastings and classes.
Take in a movie.
Organize a dinner party with friends.
Grocery shop/shopping. Why save errands for the weekend?
Volunteer for a charity.
Toastmasters meetings.
Sporting events. It’s baseball season and tickets are very accessible and affordable.

There are other challenges you can issue yourself as well. I once read in a magazine about a woman in San Francisco who challenged herself to only wearing skirts and dresses for 3 months. She noticed a difference in how people treated her. This might be a good challenge to help reconnect you with your femininity. Another one would be if you’re not used to wearing make up to try wearing make up every day; at least the basics of foundation, powder, blush, and lip-gloss or lipstick. This may get you in the habit of wearing these items and experimenting with new looks. Even blogger Necole Bitchie has given herself a 30 day high-heel challenge. If you aren’t up for doing the full 30 days try it for 15 days and see what happens.

Today is July 31st. August 1^st is tomorrow- the perfect time for you to start your personal challenge! What will you do?

We Ain't Them

2011-07-24T15:25:00.000-07:00

This isn’t the original post I had scheduled for today; nonetheless, I was inspired by a discussion over at Beyond Black & White revolving around this post.

I've posed this question to other BW as well. Instead of trying to analyze what other groups of women are doing well and how we can make what special about them work for us, why not focus on what makes us as BW special? Other groups seem to use people’s perceptions of them to their advantage. Instead of dismissing the stereotypes about BW and trying to mimic what works for other groups, why not embrace our stereotypes and make them work to our advantage? Of course, I’m talking about the good ones:

Our sense of loyalty. We know how to be there for our men even when the chips are down- we’re the original ride-or-die-chick (also see this post).
Our independence.
Our ability to work hard and overcome, even in the face of great obstacles. We don’t shrink under pressure.
Skin that DOES NOT crack and bodies that often DO NOT require surgical enhancements- when taken care of properly. We’re the originals in this department too {This is how I view myself by the way- as an original that everyone else tries to imitate}.

Many men already appreciate these qualities.

We can use the negative stereotypes to our advantage too. When people presume you to be one way (loud, aggressive, emasculating, etc.) and then you show them that you are not that way at all it puts them off balance and they have to readjust their thinking. This has worked for me professionally. If I had a $1 for every time someone has been surprised meeting me after exchanging only emails or speaking over the phone, I’d be able to retire.

Yes there’s something to be learned from observing others, but why not use what we already have to our advantage? What are some of your thoughts?

Have you bought your copy of the The New Dating Rules for Black Women yet?

The New Dating Rules for BW -- Release Announcement

2011-07-17T16:09:00.000-07:00

Are you tired of going on dates and not getting anywhere? Do you ever wonder why men aren't taking you seriously or treating you with the respect you deserve? Perhaps there are only a few things you're doing wrong or aren't keeping in mind.

If this applies to you in any way, then I suggest you check out my new ebook The New Dating Rules fo Black Women: Dating Etiquette! This book is specifically designed to help you:

Determine if you're being taken seriously- are you being asked for a legitimate date or jjust a hook up?
Keep texting under control.
WOW! Your date.
Keep yourself safe while mingling in the company of men.

The New Dating Rules fo Black Women ebook is affordably priced at $3.95 (plus tax)! Moreover, I am offering all customers a 6 month guarantee; in other words, if you are not completely satisfied with the book you have 6 months from purchase to request a full refund. Furthermore, with your purchase you will automatically be kept in the loop for any and all updates, revised editions, and upcoming reports and ebooks.

To purchase, please follow the Paypal link here. Complete the Paypal order form and a copy of The New Dating Rules for Black Women: Dating Etiquette will be emailed to you. Or if you prefer digital delivery you can download a copy for your Kindle at Amazon.com.

Thank you in advance and I look forward to hearing your feedback!

Book Review: Black Woman Redifined by Sophia A. Nelson

2011-07-11T22:21:00.000-07:00

Brace yourselves, it’s a long one!

Okay, so this book came out in May. I’m a little late to my review but, I had to work through The Art of Seduction, The Girl Who Played With Fire, Something Borrowed, and Water For Elephants. Give a girl a break!

I have to say that Black Woman Redefined is an incredible and fascinating read- a real page turner that I had a hard time putting down. I could feel Nelson’s heartfelt words and appreciated her willingness to open up about her life and experiences.

There is much to unpack in this book. I felt a range of emotions while reading. Parts I enjoyed. Parts aggravated and saddened me. While other parts told me about myself. There were many things in this book that I personally couldn’t relate to and there were also many things that I found intriguing and revealing. I kept vacillating back and forth about whether or not I liked the book.

As mentioned earlier there were somethings that irked me, some things that I felt neutral about, and some things that I enjoyed. I felt that Nelson gave too much lip service to BM who don’t seem to like BW, don’t have BW’s best interests at heart, and who haven’t treated BW particularly well (i.e. Janks Morton and Steve Harvey). I didn’t like the insinuation, whether intentional or not, that black women need to fix and change themselves in order to make themselves more appealing to BM. Especially since you rarely see BM having discussions or writing books about what they need to change in order to make themselves more appealing to BW. BW are constantly told what’s wrong with them and what they need to change in relation to BM.

With that said, what really stood out to me was in the discussion about BW, forgiveness, and sexual abuse. Nelson describes how BW who have experienced abuse and trauma need to seek help to resolve their issues and work toward forgiving their abusers. Agreed. Nelson goes on to expain how BW’s emotional baggage in this area has hindered their relationships with BM:

“I’ll never forget how moved I was when my friend, a handsome forty-eight-year-old divorced military officer, explained how much he loves black women because he was raised with strong black sisters and an even stronger black mother. However, he lamented the emotional trauma he encounters when it comes to sexual intimacy with black women because so many of us have been abused or hurt by male relatives, boyfriends, or someone we once trusted. Sitting with us were five other men who all nodded in agreement. One brother gave voice to their sentiment: “Yeah, it’s a damn shame how the sisters have been messed over, mostly by us.” (page 183)

What struck me about this is the complete lack of accountability among the BM present. It puts all of the onus on BW to do the work of healing their wounds, which they should, without requiring that BM hold other BM accountable for abuses perpetrated against BW and black girls. That’s how men in other communities are policed. If it’s a damn shame do something about it. There is nothing loving or compassionate about that statement. I acknowledge though that Nelson addresses how the black community covers up abuses against BW and black children and how that MUST change in a previous chapter.

Though it may not have been the goal of the book, I found it interesting that Black Woman Redefined reinforces many of points that the BWE bloggers have addressed:

Can the black community be saved and is there enough willingness between BW and BM to do the hard work of resolving the issues?
BW should seriously think about their role and commitment to the black church. The black church wouldn’t be able to survive without BW yet it no longer adequately serves BW’s interests and needs.
BW should be more open to men outside of the black community construct. There really is a chasm between BW and BM. Whether intentional or not, much of the text suggests that BW and BM are no longer on the same page- we’re not even reading the same book anymore.
BW need to start putting themselves first and take better care of themselves emotionally, physically, and financially.

Nelson does an excellent job in elaborating on points about how BW can make their lives better and more successful personally and emotionally. In particular:

How the strong black woman (SBW) stereotype and the idea that we can do everything on our own is pushing us into a corner. This mindset isn’t healthy and is causing us harm both personally and professionally. I loved how Nelson addressed this issue and what it stems from.
The importance of BW building better networking and interpersonal relationships.
I was glad that Nelson addressed the issue of abuse and its impact on the black community.
Nelson provides a wonderful framework and tools to address past hurts and wrongs in order to move forward and forgive.

Black Woman Redefined lends itself very well to group discussion. I could see it being read and discussed in book clubs and even on college campuses in Sociology, Women’s Studies, or African American studies programs.

Overall, I think this book is a good read for BW. It is a sociological wake-up call about how we can live our lives differently.

You can find out more about Sophia Nelson here and follow her tweets @Sophianelson.

Happy Fourth of July!

2011-07-03T20:20:00.000-07:00

Happy Independence Day!

I hope you take this time to appreciate the freedoms you have as an American- in particular the freedom to love whomever you want!

I'm sorry I haven't updated recently but, I didn't know what to say. I took some much needed time to detach. Nonetheless, I do have some news and updates coming soon!

Writing a Successful Personal Ad!

2011-05-30T15:43:00.000-07:00

There's more than one way to skin a cat...or meet a man. Let's go beyond the realm of online dating websites and social events to talk about another option- personal ads. Today, guestblogger Vonnie Stewart of Socialite Dreams helps us out with this subject. You can also follow her on Twitter @socialitedreams.

For most people, it can be a really daunting task to have to sit down and write that perfect personal online ad that will bring the love of your life into your world. How often do we have to describe ourselves, eloquently putting into words our whole being in a catchy way that will snare someone’s attention? Not often! I’m a writer and sometimes even I can sit staring at the screen at a loss for the perfect words to convey myself and my desires for a mate, so don’t get flustered if the words take a moment to come to mind. Hopefully this piece will help you to have a guideline on what to write.

The thing to keep in mind when composing a great online ad is to remember the attention span of those on the internet. You don’t want to just say “Hi, email me for more information!” but you also don’t want to drag on and on with a college dissertation that takes forever to read. Leave a little bit of mystery for the person to unwrap as they get to know you, but also give them enough information to WANT to get to know you. The balancing act of too little versus too much is key.

Start off with a positive, enthusiastic introduction of yourself, telling some qualities (things that are good to know for dating, not necessarily that you love knitting and sunflower seeds) such as your love for traveling, being a foodie that enjoys exploring cuisines around your city, an enthusiasm for crime dramas, or any other things like that which can start a conversation if they have the same interests as well. Present hobbies that you enjoy that actually are a cause for interaction or possible shared bonding over. Next, try to tell some of your wants/don’t wants in a mate in a tactful manner. Don’t have some long list of stringent requirements, but you can include things that may be deal breakers so that people don’t waste your time (i.e. not attracted to smokers, are (aren’t) interested in those with children, prefer a certain religion, acceptable age range) so that it cuts down on some vetting. “I would prefer...” keeps it simple without coming across as mean.

Keep the tone/mood of the piece light hearted and happy, nothing is more of a turn off than a depressing or sad online ad. Don’t mention how heart broken you are over an ex (yes, for some reason people think that it’s a good idea to say that they are sad and damaged goods at the moment, as if someone looking for a soul mate wants to play therapist. Not a good look); try to wait until you are relationship ready before putting up an ad. If you are hung up over a former love, you will only draw in users and abusers who will feed off of your vulnerability. It is always good to turn a negative statement (I am lonely) into a flirty positive one (I am ready to date and have fun meeting some of you interesting guys out there) so that it draws people in instead of turning them off.

Most importantly, have a great photo that actually represents reality yet shows you in a flattering light. Smile warmly, wear flattering makeup and clothing, and try to have one good face image as well as full length. Get someone else to take the photos, preferably. Many people browse photos before they even bother to read a piece so ensure that yours gets the perusal that it deserves.

Have someone else look over your ad such as a best friend, so that a fresh pair of eyes can give you good perspective and also ask yourself if you’d realistically want to date YOU as presented in the piece. Would you be attracted to that ad? If so, go for it! Good luck on finding the love you deserve.

Further Discussion on Men, Age, and Babies

2011-05-20T13:57:00.000-07:00

Mark your calendar for June 5th! Ms. Heartbeat, Deborrah Cooper, of Surviving Dating will be tackling the subject of the male biological clock. This is a subject we've addressed on this blog before. For more details check out the link below:

"Women often hear that men are concerned with a woman's fertility and her ability to bear children, while excusing themselves from such limits due to men's ability to produce sperm well into their senior years. Both men and women have thus ignored scientific proof that men have an upper limit on their healthy reproductive years just like women do."

Should Women Be Concerned With the Age of Their Men 06/05 by Ms HeartBeat | Blog Talk Radio

Safety and Online Dating

2011-05-10T21:16:00.000-07:00

In light of a recent news story concerning a sexual offender using an online dating service to find victims, the last thing I want is to see BW scared off from pursuing online dating.

Predators are predators and they will do what they need to do to find their prey-whether it be online or at the grocery store. They can be found anywhere. That handsome man in the Armani suit you met during last weekend's business conference in Portland, Oregon could be a rabid sadomasochist.

What you can do is take measures to protect yourself and lessen the likelihood that you'll become a victim:

Take Your Own Car
Drive your own car or take your own transportation on dates until you feel comfortable and have established some type of rapport or relationship with him. A car is a locked, moving, device that you have NO control over as a passenger. Also, knowing that you have to drive home will force you to be cognizant of your alcohol intake. Furthermore, if he isn’t picking you up he won’t know where you live.

Don’t Be Alone With Him
Again, until you feel comfortable or have established a rapport avoid being alone with him (this will also lesson the likelihood that you have sex sooner than you’d like). Keep your dates in public places like bars, restaurants, movie theaters, museums etc. Avoid going to or meeting him at his place or having him come to yours.

Tell A Friend
Tell a friend that you’re going out and with whom. Have a check in time: “If I haven’t called or texted you by 10:30, call me.”

Mind Your Alcohol Consumption
In Colorado Springs there was in incident in which a heroic waiter prevented a woman from being drugged by her sleaze-bag date! Always be aware of your surroundings. Keep your drink close to you and don’t ever leave it unattended. If you believe that you have been drugged, don’t allow your “date” to take you anywhere. Seek help immediately. Call a friend or cab company and the police.

Do A Background Check
There are many online services out there that will allow you to do a cursory background check of an individual for a fee. Some services offer yearly subscriptions as well. Two that come to mind are BeenVerified and GovernmentRegistry.

Learn Self Defense
Take a self defense course. Learn how to shoot a gun and research your states licensing laws. Pack some mace or pepper spray.

Know What The Game Plan Is
This is another reason why last minute dates are not the business- you won’t be prepared! You could end up inappropriately dressed (four inch heels are hard to run in) in a part of town you’re unfamiliar with. It isn't about spontaneity and ease when you can be caught off guard. He needs to make plans with you in advance so that you’ll know where you’re going, what you should be doing, and what you should be wearing.

Does anyone have any additional safety tips ?

Be careful out there ladies!

Affirm It!

2011-05-08T16:52:00.000-07:00

Affirmative statements, or affirmations for short, are statements you make to yourself designed to change your psyche and/or replace old ideas that are no longer serving you.

Words are powerful and they can reflect the world around you as you see it. If you repeatedly hear that your goal is possible, you come to have faith and believe it. If you believe something will happen you act on it. Your actions will eventually reflect your new way of thinking.

The opposite is true just the same.

Writing and Affirmation
Your affirmative statement should be personal and speak to you directly, otherwise it won’t work.

Think for a minute about what your goal is. Or maybe there’s something you’re currently trying to work through or a personal mentality you’re trying to change. Whatever it is, put it into a shirt, positive, affirming statement. Affirmations should be spoken in the present- not the future and certainly not the past. Below are some examples:

You, (your) (name) am worthy of a quality man.
I, (your) (name), now readily accept the glorious good now coming to pass.
I, (your) (name),give thanks for my permanent happiness, my permanent health, my permanent wealth, and my permanent love.

I like to use I or you, and my name, to make the statement as personal as possible.

Of course you don’t have to use these examples as they may not apply to you or your current situation. For more examples and ideas check out the works of Florence Scovel Shinn or Ginie Polo Sayles.

21 times for 21 days
The power of 21. It takes a person about 21 repetitions to change an in-grained behaviour or develop a new habit. Here, you’re reprogramming yourself with your words. Doing this may feel kooky at first but it works; and you will eventually get over the kooky feeling. I also like to say my affirmations in front of a mirror- so that I can look myself in the eye.

If you haven’t used affirmations before and you start with this practice, you’ll note shifts in your energy and life. You will start to notice your behaviour and actions and if that match what you are affirming to yourself daily.

Have you used affirmations before as part of your daily practice? What has been your experience thus far? Any tips or advice for those who haven’t used this tool?

Essential Tips For Developing A Prosperity Consciousness

The Secret of Auto Suggestion

Book Review: Text. Love. Power. The Ultimate Girls Relationship Guide For Texting & Dating

2011-04-24T14:49:00.000-07:00

Author and “Platinum Girl” dating coach Vanessa Taylor clarifies the ins and outs of texting and dating. The book is currently available as an Ebook download on Amazon.com.

I could tell from reading that Ms. Taylor is a To-The-Letter Rules Girl; but Rules Girl or not I think most women could benefit from the lessons in this book. Ms. Taylor offers great advice about how to navigate the dating waters in our new digital age. Needless to say this book is timely and necessary to help women set some ground rules when dealing with our new digital means of communicating.

We’ve addressed the issue of texting on this blog here. I’m a firm non-texter so I loved the first 15 chapters! But, if you are a woman who is comfortable texting or are currently dating and texting this is definitely a must read.

Some of the advice and tips offered include:

How to maintain an element of mystery while texting and ensure that you are being taken seriously in relationships
How to not be treated casually while texting
When and how you should respond to text messages
How to avoid sexting
Methods for putting your foot down about texting without looking like a nag

What I really liked was how Ms. Taylor emphasized the importance of being consistent, establishing boundaries, and setting precedents for how you want to be treated in the BEGINNING of a relationship. This is crucial as it establishes how you will be viewed and treated throughout the relationship. Ms. Taylor also offers many real life scenarios to help make points and put things into perspective.

I’d say this is a definite must read for the single gal. I know how confusing our new digital methods of communicating can be, this book helps shed some light so that you’re not texting in the dark!

For more information and advice you can check out her celebrity blog here and follow here tweets here @ThePlatinumGirl.

Happy reading!

Book Review: How To Be A Lady: A Contemporary Guide To Common Courtesy

2011-04-16T16:17:00.000-07:00

In a society that lacks much civility and grace, you can set yourself apart by minding your manners and acting like a lady.

We’ve addressed this here and here. But this book is a great primer. If offers great tips for not only manners but for health and wellness, personal safety, and self defense. However, I did find that much of the advice offered was subjective.

It is a quick read- I read it in all of 2 hours, with breaks. Some of the advice and tips offered include:

- How to properly set a table- something I’ve forgotten- and of course which fork to use!

- Proper ways of making an introduction. For example, the older person is always introduced to the younger person. And if they are the same age you introduce the man to the woman

- What a lady reveals and doesn’t reveal. It is true that a lady does not ever divulge her age and gentleman shouldn’t ask :-)

- When and what types of gifts to bring:

Dinner party-- flowers or a bottle of wine
Holiday Party-- wine, a bag of coffee beans, or something you made yourself (i.e. an ornament or cookies)
Invite for a weekend stay-- coffee table book or useful kitchen gadget

Overall, I found the book to be a fun, easy, read that is a great primer in manners and etiquette. It’s a great starter course, so to speak, but if you are interested in delving more into the subject I encourage you to dig deeper.

Guest Post: The ‘G’ Plan - Fab Brown Girl Guide to Spring, Part 2

2011-04-10T15:10:00.000-07:00

Jade is back with part two! Can you handle it?

Get Your Body Right – Diet and Fitness

Umm, I don’t need to tell you that fat don’t fly when it comes to getting the IR beau you desire right? A black woman with a great body is a force to be reckoned with and essential in acquiring the man you desire.

Diet & Food Awareness

Here are some websites and blogs that offer weight loss support, excellent nutrition information, healthy food suggestions and recipes:

-A Black Girls Guide to Weight Loss – An excellent blog that tackles healthy and timely dietary issues pertaining to black women -

-Black Women Work Out – A Facebook

-Weight Watchers – Can we say J Hud looks great?! Follow her lead.

Exercise and Working Out

Join a Good Gym - You folks will tell you to stay home and exercise – don’t do it. As a single woman it is imperative to be with and socialize with other like you. At the gym you will find other women who will be into exercise more than your shrinking circle of friends – these potential friends can also be leads to other jobs, men and opening ways of new thinking in your life. Leave the exercise videos for the WWMs (women with mates).

Try Dance, Fusion or High Intensity Workouts – Anyone with a pulse can get hooked on Zumba the latin fusion dance craze that has taken over the world, spin your way to a hot bod with Soul Cycle or work it the hell out in Barry’s Bootcamp (in a LA and coming soon to NYC)

Bring the sexy! Try some exotic and pole dancing classes. It does wonders for confidence and heightens your sensuality. You don’t have to become a stripper but it doesn’t hurt to have a body like one!

Get Did - Beauty and Dress

Dig into these sites and make you beautiful - The Style and Beauty Doctor, Coco and Crème, and The Fashion Bomb. Ladies, do yourself and don’t dress for the women in your life – dress for the man you want to acquire. Rock the look you like and feel the most confident in. Oh and leave the Fashion Forward for Ri Ri and Lady Gaga.

Get a Date

Try New Dating Websites - New websites like How About We and Urban Signals are worth a try. Generally, new sites are populated with tech saavy modern males and don’t house so many old men who have used the same dating profile pic since 1993.

Go Speed Dating – A no brainer when it comes to get a new date in a hurry. Google a bunch and try a few of them in your area. Another tip is to do it by yourself. You’ll probably go on more dates if your girlfriends aren’t around to talk you out of dating someone different.

Join a Sporting League or Frequent a Sporting Activity Center – Real men like to really play sports. Try some athletics at a center like Chelsea Piers in New York City.

Enlist New Dating Tools –A try this new way to flirt, dating cards for the singleton, Cheekd.

Use Tech – Use your smartphone to help with your dating life. There are tons of dating, lifestyle and venue review sites available. You can get a date from How About We, read about a hot new lounge on Yelp and order tickets from Fandango in a few clicks.

Get Out of the House – Schedule the Social

Calendar your activities weekly and schedule one thing a week that puts your pretty brown self right next to some eligible, single men.

And my last tip ladies, is to GET MOVING!

The ‘G’ Plan - Fab Brown Girl Guide to Spring: Part 1

2011-04-04T20:15:00.000-07:00

By guest blogger and my gal pal Single Gal Jade. Read on!

Spring’s here. Don’t hide under a rock, it’s already here. Old man winter rocked our world this past winter, so you’ve had the best cold weather excuse to hibernate socially. However, sleeping on your social cannot be done if your black, single, female and desire to be in relationship, you’d better get your ass in gear. Pronto.

Get Your Mind Right

The first thing that dating gurus tell clients is to focus on the partner that you want, what you have to do to land this mate and what kind of relationship you eventually want . Developed focus is important because so many black women don’t put any focus in the ‘Get a Great Mate’ process. Thousands of marriage age black women (20 to 50 year olds) don’t have female relatives to show teach them how to find a good mate because they never had a mate themselves. Other black women been fooled into thinking they don’t need a mate and the saddest bws simply have no clue how to get one. Luckily the IR dating black women is 2.0 in her quest for a mate so I encourage her to bypass the nonsense and visualize the plan to get the mate she seeks.

Manifest your ‘end game vision’ ladies. You are the bride, you are the woman with a committed, loyal, providing life long partner, you are the women who is desired and sought after by many eligible bachelors of all races. You are that chick.

Practice Introspection – Study yourself and your dating patterns. A great introspective dating blog is Crazy Girl Nation. Ms Kaneisha is involved in an ir relationship and blogs about her past as a non ir dater, her dating mishaps and her life goals.

Relinquish Rumination – Stop driving you and Miss Daisy (your mind) insane! Let go of the negative thoughts that keep running in your mind.

Be Positive – Too many black people act like being positive is like having a bad cold you gotta get rid of! Don’t be afraid of manifesting positive thoughts. Check out positive and life changing sites like The Happiness Project and Dumb Little Man. Write and read motivating mantras and positive affirmations. Put them and post it notes and leave them everywhere – on your mirrors, use them as bookmarks or send them as text messages to yourself.

Hit The Books - Read dating books from the people who make it their business to know daters, break bad dating habits and identify losers. Start with books like Love in 90 Days , How to Be Your Own Matchmaker, and the perennial He’s Just Not That Into You.

Get Away from ‘The Fam’

Family, friends and or community responsibilities presents itself as unique roadblock to black women’s social happiness. This is because spouseless black female relatives are constantly leaned on for support and companionship. JUST SAY NO! Give yourself ‘ME’ time. Stop going to your married sister’s house for dinner. You really don’t need to help your cousin do her hair. You don’t need to go help bail Lil’ Nene outta county. You need to be taking care of yourself so you can get the best possible man out there. He will not come to you when you are in your old age. Time waits for no one and the spouseless sista often remains without a spouse. Cut down the family and friend stick and make time for your manhunt.

Get The Money Out

Spend money. That’s right I said it. Stop listening to all those ‘kind hearted folk’ who keep telling to save. You know the rent must be paid, groceries need to be bought and utilities need to be on. BUT! You need to use your earnings to enhance your life now. As a single black woman, your priority is your social life and the acquisition of a mate. You need money for this. Set aside a portion of your bi weekly/monthly earning for social activities

each paycheck.

Next Monday Jade will be back with more.

Stay tuned!

What Does AshleyMadison.com Reveal About Society?

2011-03-29T18:10:00.000-07:00

I came across an interesting article on MSN today.

Regardless of what your thoughts are about infidelity and cheating, I found this article and the men's motivations and/or excuses to be thought provoking. Cheating apparently isn't just about sex- which may or may not be a surprise.

A lot of the article reinforce common sense attitudes about marriage and relationships:

Avoid marrying very young
Don't marry for superficial reasons
Have realistic expectations about marriage and your spouse
Another person cannot complete you, etc.

A lot of these guys are trying to relive their glory-days so to speak- which is kind of sad to me. I also think that the article reveals a deep sense of selfishness and entitlement that has slowly crept into our society- or maybe it's always been there and we're just now more aware of it.

So read on. Enjoy- or maybe not. And discuss.

"I went undercover on America's cheating website"

We wish we could ignore ashleymadison.com, the online playing field for married people looking to cheat. But over 8 million men and women have signed up: Eight. Million. Writer Lisa Taddeo went online to meet up with straying husbands and get them to answer: Why?

By Lisa Taddeo

Read the full article here.

Around The Blogosphere: Must Read Posts!

2011-03-28T16:29:00.000-07:00

The "F" Word: Femininity v. Feminism Battle For Dominance in Women's Lives

The Deliberate Lowering of The Intellect & Why Black People Practice This Art

A Pragmatic Cost/Benefit Analysis For African Americans Considering Trying To"Pass" As Anything Other Than Black

Resistance

2011-03-26T09:01:00.000-07:00

I've been meditating on this statement all week:

"What we resist, ultimately persists."

Think about it.

Reasons Why You Should Duty Date

2011-03-15T12:31:00.000-07:00

What is a duty date? Dr. Pat Allen gives us a good definition here:

If you're unable to view the video, click here.

Duty dates are a big part- or should be at least- of our crazy human dating world! Here’s why you should go on one every now and then:

You’re more attractive to other men when you’re with another man.

I know crazy isn’t it? But it is what it is; men are sometimes competitive like that. Have you ever started dating a new guy only to have your ex suddenly starts calling again? Uhm hmm.

Good Dating Practice

It makes dating less awkward. If you’re just getting out of a long term relationship or marriage, or if you don’t have a lot of dating experience, duty dates can be excellent practice. It will help you take some of the edge and awkwardness off so that you won’t be, or continue to be, nervous or uncomfortable dating. It can also help you to better set standards and ground rules for your dating practice.

Are you sure he’s not the one?

Sometimes we write people off too quickly. Give a guy a chance. Chemistry doesn’t always happen immediately so it can be good to give the other person a chance. Do you have healthy or unhealthy chemistry with this person? Or it may be the opposite case- are you wildly attracted to this person almost immediately? This could be because you have an unhealthy chemistry toward them. Do you have a history of dating the wrong guy? If you do than your immediate attraction to this person may be because it is a familiar pattern to you and you may need to give yourself a time out.

Learn your likes and dislikes.

Duty dates can help you better refine what you’re looking for in a mate. It can also help you recognize some of your dating patterns and habits- good or bad.

Of course, do NOT lead people on or use them. I’m not advocating that. If you’ve been on at least 3 dates with a person and you don’t see the relationship progressing, it’s probably best to consider ending it and moving on.

Open Letter Response Open Letter: The Pink Elephant

2011-03-03T21:53:00.000-08:00

photo © 2010 Loz Pycock | more info (via: Wylio)
Over the past few weeks there have been many discussions in response to Tracy McMillan’s Valentine’s Day love letter to single American women. I have to admit I did not care for McMillan’s article. There are too many unselfish, non-bitchy, realistic women who don’t sleep around but yet, remain single for that argument to hold water. It takes two to Tango and the problems we’re seeing in our current relationship dynamics are not all about women. Men bear some burden here too.

Personally, I’m tired of hearing about how women need to fix themselves and make themselves better for a man. I think over the past 15 years women have done enough work on themselves and it’s time for men to put down the XBox and step up THEIR game.

On the other hand, I did enjoy reading Brienne Walsh’s open letter response to Ms. McMillan. I especially found a lot of truth in the following:

“Daily, we were told that men were not Prince Charming, that they would not vanquish a dragon to save us, rescue us from a tower or even just fight their way through a double transfer on the subway to come kiss us goodnight.

And so we learned how to expect literally nothing from a man. And do you know what happened because of that? We learned to let men treat us like crap. We came to believe that men were doing us a favor by settling down -- because otherwise they would be out spraying the world of willing women with their abundant seed. We were taught to be grateful if a man showed interest in us, and we became fearful at all times that he would leave us once he did. Women of my generation are still the second-class citizens of fairy tales: only now, we don't even have the chivalry or the ever-blooming roses to comfort us in our eternal boredom.”

I'm sure many women can relate to the above.

However, after reading all of the comments and noting the discussions being had on Twitter, Facebook, and other boards, yet another article came to my mind. This one- that also happens to mention sandwiches.

In my opinion, the pink elephant in the room- the point that a lot of women are missing- is that men don’t value the same things in women that women value in men.

This is not to say that women need to dumb themselves down, not get advanced degrees, or avoid starting their own businesses. This is also not to say that men won’t or don’t value your intelligence or education. What I am suggesting is that leading with your education and accomplishments won’t necessarily snag you a man.

I am in NO way an expert on the male of our species; but, I don’t think it’s that men don’t want an equal or that they’re intimidated by our accomplishments, it’s just that they’re looking for something else in a partner. Women value a man’s intelligence, his ability to earn an income, and his pedigree- all of the things women are now able to accomplish on their own. Do men look for the same things when choosing a wife or mother for their children? Not necessarily- and there’s nothing wrong with that. Men will marry women of lesser education, with less income, and less pedigree but they have also been shown to marry women of equal or greater intelligence, of equal or greater income, and of equal or greater status. Something else must be at play here.

What I believe many women aren’t wanting to accept is that men and women are different. One isn’t better than the other. This isn’t a matter of equality or inequality; fairness or unfairness. Just a difference.

Thoughts?

Yes Ladies, We Are Part of The Problem

2011-02-27T14:05:00.000-08:00

What you ACCEPT you ultimately get MORE of. So raise your standards.

"We keep hearing that young men are failing to adapt to contemporary life. Their financial prospects are impaired - earnings for 25- to 34- year - old men have fallen by 20 percent since 1971. Their college enrollment numbers trail women's: Only 43 percent of American undergraduates today are men. Last year, women made up the majority of the work force for the first time. And yet there is one area in which men are very much in charge: premarital heterosexual relationships."

Why is that? How can that be? Find out why here.