By Guest Blogger Karen Robinson
You are savvy, successful, confident and at the top of your game. You are used to going out and getting what you want, and your peers see you as a capable leader. So when it comes to seeing a man that you find attractive at work, you wonder to yourself "what's wrong with approaching him first" or better yet, "what's wrong with asking him out? It's just coffee and after all, it is 2010!"
This fundamental fact remains: Men and women are different! In the realm of dating and mating men are born to respond to a challenge. Men who are interested in us will pursue us. Men who find us attractive, initiate. When we take away a man's need to pursue us, in the long run he loses interest. Period.
This is not politically correct, but it is the truth. Sure, if you "just so happen" to have tickets to a hot concert or ball game, the man you are interested in may very well agree to go with you and have a great time, but after awhile, his interest will wane. You have given him no challenge. Going out with you was not his idea, it was yours and ultimately this "masculine energy" of initiating the relationship will backfire. It's not worth it to enjoy the company of a man if the only reason you are out on date is because you asked him and you had great seats to the Yankee's game.
Have you ever observed a relationship where the man just seems to be "going along" taking up space and marking time? I have seen this and it's not pretty. In these scenarios usually the woman initiated the relationship and always seems to be wanting more with the man being the reluctantly agreeable party, just floating along, not giving or investing a whole lot, just there. What typically happens is the woman is always insecure of his love and desire for her, and the man feeling pressed breaks up with her. I've seen these men "float along" with these women for years claiming that they are not ready to get married, it's not a good time, etc. I have seen these men break up only to get married a short time later to the woman who he pursued and who provided him a challenge.
The 2nd Rule of the Dating Game is "We don't talk to men first, ask them out, or ask them to Dance, etc." The principle behind this rule is that the man must initiate. I hear what you're saying. You're saying to yourself, " Well, he's just shy" or you may think to yourself "I have to let him know that I am interested." "
I will concede that it is good form to have an "approachable vibe" *going on. No man is going to risk approaching you (no matter how physically attractive you are) if your countenance is sad, gloomy or angry. Remember, to keep it light and breezy! However, the most "shy" man, will risk asking you out IF HE IS INTERESTED.
Let me dispel one myth right now. There is no such thing as a "shy" man. Socially awkward? Perhaps. Shy? No way. In the mythical sense, men slay dragons. If he is too awkward to risk asking you out, he may not be the Alpha Male that you want and need to provide for and protect you. Don't waste a lot of time thinking about why the cute guy in accounting or at the neighborhood Starbuck's hasn't asked you out yet. He may be involved with someone or not interested in women. Whatever the reason may be if he has not asked you out, he isn't interested and keep it moving. He won't get a chance to get to know such a wonderful, talented, woman - You!!
Karen Robinson is a certified Rules Dating Coach in the Detroit, Michigan area; for more information about her and her services click here.
*This assumes that you are in a safe community where being seen as approachable is not going to put your physical safety at risk.