Learning How To Be Vulnerable

Women (and maybe men too- I can’t speak from the male perspective) are given a lot of conflicting information in regard to dating and relationships:

• Be honest and upfront but, don’t reveal everything or your ruin the mystery.
• Be honest but, don’t reveal all your “issues” on the ready.
• Be elusive but, not an ice queen.
• Be available but, not too available.
• Protect yourself but, be willing to get hurt.

The last point has proven to be the hardest for me and I think it reflects the sum total of all of the other points. Women are told to date “defensively;” to protect themselves and their hearts but, at some point the guard has got to come down. The hard part is knowing when.

To be vulnerable you have to be willing to be hurt, embarrassed, or wrong. You learn nothing from being sheltered in relationships. Being vulnerable sometimes means having to wear your heart on your sleeve. What?!?

What I'm learning is that in order to establish emotional intimacy in a relationship you have to sometimes be vulnerable. In order to feel comfortable with your vulnerability you have to know yourself- know yourself in order to share yourself with someone else. I've had many female friends try to tell me that but it didn't quite click until now. This has left me asking: do I know myself as well as I think I do?

It's not always about the other person. When you hear yourself complain that men are flaky, inconsiderate, aloof, emotionally unavailable, etc, just know that like attracts like and, if you are attracting flakiness or emotional unavailability - guess what. Sometimes working on or in a relationship means working on you as a person.

Check Out My Other Blog

On the eve of our nation's national day of eating, I invite you to visit my new blog! This blog is solely devoted to our diet, nutrition, skin and hair care issues- what I call maintenance. I really tried to avoid creating a second blog as I thought it would be too much to handle; but fitness and nutrition are my passions. So please have a look and let me know what you think or what you'd like to read about.

Beyonce - Single Ladies AMA 08

When Is A Man Off Limits: Is a man in a relationship off the table?

To me this is a no brainer; I wouldn’t consider a man who was currently in a relationship as a relationship possibility. But apparently to other women this is not necessarilly the case. Consider the following statement:

Because of this ambiguity, it’s very hard to stake a claim on a man. It can be love all day, all night. You swear he won’t hurt you. Then some other woman comes in and scoops him up. Can you blame her? You shouldn’t. She wasn’t the one in a relationship. These days, the number of single women can really pose a threat to national security. In fact, if I could find it, long ago, a French politician said that a world of too many single women is dangerous to the structure of society. I wonder why? Where there’s lots of single women, there’s gonna be men. Should you lose weight? Buy sexier lingerie? No. You can’t stop it. These women want a man, too, and your man is up for grabs. You can’t be mad at them. They need love to. Just think back when you were single. And no, I don’t believe you would never.


In my opinion this comes from a position of desperation and lack. When you presume your opportunities to be limited, you begin to act out of desperation: why not “share” a man? Why not take what someone else has- I need it too. That creates chaos. Consider what happens after a natural disaster when resources are limited? Chaos and fighting- anarchy. The situation described above is no different. Let's also not forget about STD's? More chaos. Cheating men and women spread diseases and destroy trust. Without trust there can be no relationship and that eats away at society’s moral fabric and that is exactly what we see happening. How else do you explain why so many black children born out of wedlock? Why is HIV spreading so rapidly among BW? It is because we have downgraded the importance of relationships. Our society has become far to casual in it’s treatment of relationships and family. Even if some men cheat, that doesn't mean that the standard that a man and woman be faithful to eachother should just be done away with. Furthermore, this is why sisterhood among women has become irrelevant- we don’t trust each other. Even if the man technically is not married, it’s in your best interest to make certain that he isn't otherwise involved. If you have to justify reasons to yourself for being with a man already in a relationship, then you pretty much know in your heart that it isn’t right. If you have to take someone away from someone else in order to feel complete, than your victory is hollow.

To me this just reinforces why it is important for women to diversify their options. People who presume there to be a dearth of opportunities feel the need to fight for scraps – man sharing. This is operating from a mindset of lack as opposed to fulfillment. The reality though is that there isn’t a lack of available men and there is no reason for any woman to act from state of desperation. Once you recognize that, there is no need to desire another woman’s man nor will you view and unfaithful man the same way.

I do recognize that there is a great deal of competition among women for men; but, that doesn’t mean that you have to play dirty or lower your moral and personal standards. It is true what they say – men have a way of knowing when other men are around. All you need is one man and all the others will come out of the woodwork. And don’t think that men don’t have to compete among other men for women or, that infidelity doesn’t affect them in the same ways. I’ve heard men say very similar things about this issue.

Ultimately, I believe that karma is a bitch. What you put out there does come back to you. My advice to any woman who is considering entering into a relationship with a married or otherwise attached man needs to ask herself: would I want someone to do this to me? While I agree that you shouldn’t hold anger towards the other woman- as she wasn’t the one in the relationship. But I think that any woman who knowingly enters into a relationship with a married or otherwise compromised man is deserving of some spite. Perhaps that’s the judgmental me speaking.

It's Official

Though Barack Obama was not my choice and though I do not support his policies, I do think that it is wicked awesome that he is our new president!

I also think that this will lead to a re-examination of mindsets on both sides. I also think it will raise issues of personal responsibility and accountability- it's going to be a lot harder to blame white people and racism for the problems currently facing the "black community." My $.02.

P.S.

A relationship blogpost addressing the issue of infidelity and man sharing is in the works. I plan to have it up by the end of the week.