My message here: when it comes to relationships, don’t get caught up in rules- follow your heart, listen to your head, and pay attention to your instincts.
Sometimes I think women put too much stock into dating guides. These books can be very insightful and can shed light on situations and issues. But I also think they can be a crutch- spending too much time reading and not enough time taking action. You learn from interactions and mistakes, not from being prepared for what will happen.
After I had read The Rules and put some things into practice, I found that in actuality I wasn't being myself. I was being aloof and protective but I was so focused on what I was doing and what I should do next that I couldn’t enjoy the moment. It was a game. My dates didn't appreciate it, and I ended up really hurting someone. I was much more successful with men when I wasn't preoccupied on rules and making sure I was doing everything right. One of my good friends who broke all of The Rules (i.e. practically moved in with the guy after the 3rd date) is now engaged!
So turning a hypocritical page ;-) , on BFIM a proposal was made that we come up with a sort of Rules for BW. Here is my contribution to this proposal. These are “My Top 10” things I keep in mind when dealing with men:
- Every wife/girlfriend is a trophy. Every man wants to be with a woman he can be proud of.
- Dates breed dates, so see many men at one time (FYI...this doesn't translate into sleeping with many men at one time). You’re a free agent until he says “I love you.”
- Don't chase him. Give him his space and let him come to you first. If he wants you he'll call you.
- Don’t kiss (or sex) on the first date.
- Have a life, hobby, and goals of your own. Don't be boring.
- Put stock in what he DOES not what he says.
- Don’t reveal all your “issues” early in the relationship.
- Don’t accept last minute dates. If he can get you in fifteen minutes he’ll treat you that way.
- Stop seeing him if he doesn’t do anything romantic for your B-day, V-day, or anniversary.
- Never live with a man unless you’re engaged to be married. He won’t buy the cow if he can get the milk for free- this has been proven over and over again...Kim Porter...
Recommended Reading:
Ginie Polo Sayles' foolproof guide to body flirting and meeting men
7 comments:
Great rules, i love the one about placing stock on what he does than what he says, if bw could abide by just that one, we would save ourselves a whole lotta heartache!
and you are right we need to recognise advice books as general guidelines and we must always look at our relationships on an individaul basis. there are times when the general rules do not apply and we should not be too stuck on 'rules' as to not recognise when we need to be flexible!
IR Dating E-Book
Hi Halima,
Thanks for your comments. The more I dealt with men the more apparent Rule #6 came to be. I've found that men's actions often don't mimic what they say. I think sometimes men say things to be politically correct and not offend but then actually do something else.
In my life, and in my single friends lives, I've found Rule #3 to be the hardest.
I hate a long list of rules. I NEVER read those type of books. I did begin to read Halima's book. It is the first book I have read that would be considered a relationship guide. I bought the eBook knowing that it would deal with issues that no other books deal with. I was also interested to see who the research compared to my experience (very little IR).
On point 2: I would see how long it takes the man to say 'I love you'. If he says it too quickly I would be suspect. Another version of this would be a man saying 'I want to get married', 'I'm looking for a wife', etc. Same lines used to sweet talk a gal in to having sex with him. At my age I would probably consider myself a free agent until I'm engaged to be married. Too many men will string a gal along for years. I will not be one of them. I would advise women to do that no matter their age. However it is imperative for gals like me (over 40).
Same thing about ONLY putting stock in what the man does. Talk is really cheap, especially in dating relationships.
I agree about three being hard.
Uhhhmmm...no way to that "love song." Sorry.
pinky
I was going to respond to the nut that posted before pinky. I laughed when I saw that it was deleted. That was total nonsense.
Most of these sound really good. I would agree with them. I moved in with my hubby before we were engaged (he proposed a month or two later). But it was always clear that he was marriage minded.
I would add: get to know your partner's family once you get serious. And he should know yours, too (sometimes this might not be possible, esp. if families are absolutely insane).
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