WOMEN DO NEED MEN!

I am so tired of this sentiment. So very tired! I also don't think this is a sentiment that all women are projecting. 

Here's the deal. It's not that modern women don't need men; it's that we don't need them in the same way that our grandmother's did. People, men and women alike, really don't seem to understand that; so, I'll repeat it:

It's not that modern women don't need men, it's that we don't need them in the same way our grandmothers needed their men. 

They say three's the charm, so let it sink in one more time: It's not that modern women don't need men, it's that we don't need them in the same way our grandmothers needed men. I also said it three different ways, did you catch that? 

So, can we please stop looking into the same box for a one size fits all solution?

• Some women like and NEED their independence and NEED a man who can embrace that and work together in their relationship. Others are happier with and NEED a good provider. 
• Some women want to have a family and NEED a man in order to create one. 
• Some women will NEED a man to have regular, (hopefully) STD free sex. 
• Some women NEED a man who will be an equal partner to them. Others may NEED one who can be emotionally supportive and cheer them on in their endeavors. 

I could go on forever, literally, as there are many different combinations and possibilities. Each woman has her own set of needs specific to her (perhaps that's part of the problem); it is up to us as individuals to determine what it is that we can and cannot live with. Dr. John Gray does a great job discussing how women can best articulate and put their particular needs on display when dealing with men in his book Mars and Venus On A Date- I highly recommend Dr. Gray's books. Each couple will have to determine what type of relationship works best for them and, I think that's a great thing.  

To the men, dare I say it, some will consider this man bashing heresy, but some men will need to learn to adapt and evolve a bit more. I know women have changed drastically over the past 60 years. I wholeheartedly concede that. But ask yourself have you really adapted to your current environment and social changes as much as you possibly can? Are you rolling with the punches or are you still trying to live like its 1970? This isn't only evident in relationships but in educational attainment and economic participation as well. 

You can stay rigid or you can bend, it's your choice. Things aren't going to go back to the way they were and I'm really tired of the animosity and negativity between men and women. I think for the most part we're good people who are just talking past each other. Men and women are going to have to learn new ways of relating to each other and I'm confident that we can.  

Don't Let Them Steal Your Happiness!

In yoga yesterday morning, my awesome teacher Jennifer Pastiloff talked about one of her recent workshops where she met a man who's wife told him every morning: 

"Don't let them steal your happiness!" 

This wasn't the theme of the class, her classes usually have a theme, but this REALLY spoke to me. It got me thinking about the things I give power to; the things I allow to steal my happiness. What are they? 

• Statistics! Negative statistics about women, black women in particular, about who we are as people..as women..as mothers...our situation. It's almost always negative. 
• Other people's opinions. Different perspectives can be important but too many can also be overwhelming.  
• Certain blogs and publications. Yes, even some BWE blogs. 
• People who dislike me only because of my race or gender- or both. 
• Most TV news stations. 
• Focusing on everything that I'm doing "wrong."
• My new department head. This is really unfortunate because I loved my job at one time. 

Its important to NOT spend too much time focusing on what steals your happiness, but it is necessary to recognize what does so that you can avoid it in the future. What does make me happy? 

• Yoga
• The prospects of my new business
• Working out 
• The beach 
• Hiking in the hills
• Nurturing. I love seeing my plants grow or caring for a pet. 
• Volunteering at a homeless shelter or food bank 

And many other things, too many to list here. 

They say happiness is a choice. We also choose what it is that we focus on. So what makes you happy? Focus on that.

P.S. 

My yoga teacher is incredible! As I've mentioned previously I hated yoga until started practicing with her. It really changed my life. Jennifer leads yoga retreats and classes all over the country and world; so, if she should ever come to your town, TAKE HER CLASS! 

Stop Being Conditioned

While perusing Facebook last week I came across the below statement. A friend of a friend had met a man casually at a coffee bar or something like that where he made the below statement. One of my Facebook friends commented in response thus bringing it up into my timeline. 

“Speaking with a random gentleman a few weeks ago and I'd just love to get more input...if people are bold enough to be honest. He says: "I'm sorry to ruin your idea of marriage sweetheart, but I don't know any men who have been faithful throughout their entire relationship.”

Well that’s interesting.

I don’t doubt that infidelity doesn't ever happen but, my first question is who is this guy? What is his relationship track record? Is he married or divorced? Okay, that was 3 questions but I think a bit of background context is needed. Personally I think a statement like this is more indicative of who this man associates with than anything else; and, you know the adage you are who you hang with.

With all that said, women are being conditioned. I see it all the time and I’m sure you do too. Women are being conditioned to not expect anything from men.

With stories of infidelity regularly in the media, women really should not expect men to be faithful. Instead we should expect to be cheated on.

Do not expect men to help around the house or with children, women should expect to do EVERYTHING in the household.

You must be a submissive wife in order to have a successful marriage. There is no other way...even if you and your spouse are non-Christian, haven't read the scripture, and don't really know what submission means, entails, or looks like in a relationship. 

If you cannot cook (or give great h**d) you should expect to stay single for the rest of your life. Adopt a cat now.  

If you don’t practice the 3 Date Rule you should expect for a man to get bored with you and move on. 

There are only a handful of marriagable men out there and they have their pick of thousands of women so you should expect to do the absolute MOST in order to secure one but expect nothing from him in return. 

Is this for real? If that’s the case then what’s the point? Or maybe that’s precisely the point. Low expectations = low standards. If you have no expectations you can't be disappointed, right? If you're the one doing all of the work, he can't be responsible for anything. I don’t even think too many men are happy with this continued characterization of them as being shiftless, lazy, solely interested in sex, uncommunicative, and lacking integrity. 

As a woman, you have every right to have a set of standards and expectations of a partner that are reasonable to you. Stop falling for the conditioning, it's just another element of the trick bag. 

An Intentional Community

Evia Moore talks a lot about intentional communities (ICs) on her Black Female Interracial Marriage (BFIM) blog. In her last post she mentioned that she had started an IC in her area.

An intentional community is defined as:

A community that you DECIDE to participate in, as opposed to one that you were born in, grew up in, or moved into. You can belong to an intentional community at the same time that you are involved in any other type of community

Its a lot like a club or group. For more information I suggested perusing the BFIM site and reading the 4 newsletters linked in this post- it is well worth the small investment if you are unfamiliar.

I liked the idea of an intentional community ever since I first heard about it through the BFIM blog. Starting an IC is something I've been wanting to do since I first heard about the idea. I would like to start an IC in my area. I would like to establish a community that can enhance the lives of like minded black women in the area. An IC that is based on reciprocity, accountability, and mutual support.

At this time I am looking for a core group of women who can work with me to help establish and grow the community. Ideally, I am looking for women who are:

• In the southern California area: Los Angeles, Ventura, Orange, Riverside, and San Diego counties. 
• Well versed in BWE and its principles- THIS IS A NON-NEGOTIABLE.  
• Willing to make a minimum time commitment to meet with the other members at least once a month. 
• Comfortable mixing and mingling among various groups of people and do not hold ties to dysfunctional persons or communities. 

Please be thinking about what tools and resources you can contribute to a group or community- I will be doing the same. For more information on this please see the following discussion .

All potential members will need to be screened and vetted, this is a must. If you are in the southern California area and are interested or have further questions, please email me directly. My contact information is listed on the sidebar.

Best,

What is BWE?

BWE stands for Black Women's Empowerment. 

Over the past few days there has been some discussion about whether or not the principles of BWE/Black Woman's Empowerment should be clearly listed or outlined. There is also some talk that the pioneers or founders of the BWE concept are too "tightfisted" with its notions and definitions. "Make it plain" is basically the idea. I find all of this perturbing. The information is out there...if you really want to find it. 

I know that we all have lives and that we are all busy but, for subjects that I have been interested in I have been willing to take the time to study a concept or find out more information. 

I'm not going to get into a long drawn out definition of what BWE is or means because the information really is out there and available to you. It is not hidden or mysterious. For the record, I do not consider myself a BWE blogger, I consider myself more of a BWI (Black Women's Interest) blogger. Interracial dating and marriage is a component of BWE and not the sole concept. Moreover, I will publicly denounce any so called list or definition of BWE that is not culled by the original founders of the idea. If you want to know what something is about doesn't it just make sense to reach out to the people who founded it? 


No less, if you are new to the idea of BWE, are unclear, or have questions, here are some references and resources:

Black Women's Empowerment Founders
These blogs are all listed on my sidebar under the heading Black Women's Empowerment Blogs. If you want to understand the BWE concepts dig through the archives of these blogs and start from the very beginning:

• Black Female Interracial Marriage
• Acts of Faith Blog
• Black Women's Interracial Relationship Circle
• Muslim Bushido and The Sojourner's Passport 
• Black Girls Haven 

Texts

If you do not want to comb the blog archives or if you prefer to save your eyes from computer vision syndrome start with a book. All of the above mentioned bloggers have written books about the subject. Start here:

• The Sojourner's Passport: A Black Woman's Guide To Having The Life and Love You Deserve
• AOFB BWE Primer 
• Evia Moore has written a series of books on the subject. You can find them on her Amazon page here. 
• The same with Halima Anderson, her Amazon page can be found here. One of the very first books I read when I first delved into BWE was Supposing I Wanted To Date A White Guy. 
• For a quick BWE reference sort through this page. 

There maybe some things about BWE that make you angry or uncomfortable, especially if you are new to the subject, but that's precisely the point. The objective is to get you to think critically about what is happening around you. 

All of this talk this week reminded me of this commentary from BWE founder Khadija Nassif: 

"Please understand that the vast majority of African-Americans (AAs) are incapable of giving reciprocal support to any Black person or Black-led movement that supports them. It’s very similar to Black consumer dynamics. The vast majority of Black consumers are incapable of responding appropriately to anyBlack-owned business. 

Here’s why: Because most AAs have deeply embedded slave programming on top of the everyday collection of human frailties shared by all humans. Most AAs have been successfully programmed to sabotage anything that could possibly enhance or save their lives. Most AAs will take any and everything and twist it around into something destructive. AAs take new ideas and superimpose their same old, dysfunctional thought patterns onto the new idea. In the end, the new idea become merely a new slogan that’s used to justify the same old dysfunctional behavior.

This is why AAs have turned every past solution into a new catastrophe. There are almost endless examples of this. We collectively did the “bait and switch” with many past solutions. We took desegregation and turned it into a pretext for engaging in a permanent, undeclared boycott against all Black-owned businesses (with the partial and dwindling exception of barbershops and hair salons). 

We took the language of multiculturalism and turned it into a pretext for maintaining our racial self-hatred and internal colorism. And there’s usually a sophisticated and fundamentally dishonest discourse surrounding each “bait and switch” episode. All of this leads to sincere people being confused about these events, and about what’s driving these events." -- For more, click here. 

Feed Me, F*** Me

I'm getting tired of articles extolling that women MUST be able to cook in order to land a man and, proclaiming that modern women's inability to throw-down in the kitchen is the reason for the marriage decline. I've often heard that a man's two primary requirements in a relationship are that you feed him and f*** him. 

I can do both. 

My mother started to teach me how to cook when I was in middle school and she sensed my growing independence and need for some degree of self sufficiency. My father, who happened to be the better cook, had died some years prior. So I've been cooking and baking (from scratch) since I was about 12 or 13. Everyone I know, knows that I can cook and cook well. So if that was really all there was too it, I should be married. On the other hand, I know more married and engaged women than I can count who can't even boil water and who marvel whenever I bake a batch of cookies, lol! That alone should tell you that food and sex aren't enough to sustain a relationship. 
 
I've also learned that cooking, like sex, isn't something that should be done at the ready. If I make a meal for you, just like when I decide to give you my body, it's special; otherwise, neither will be fully appreciated. I've told friends and loved ones only half jokingly that if I've cooked or baked for them it means that they are someone special to me. 

There is more to marriage and the marriage decline than just cooking and sex. Moreover, judging by the black community's near 80% OOW birthrate, sex isn’t the problem. I’m also sure many of those baby mamas were more than happy to cook for their children's father(s).  

The reality is is that cooking is a vital skill that men and women both should know how to do. If you want to live, you need to know how to prepare food. I'm not saying that it doesn't matter, what I am saying is that it's not the only thing. It's too simplistic and keeps us all from addressing the real reasons for society's current relationship instability. 

"Sluts" Are Not Your Problem

Promiscuous women are not your problem. They are NOT ruining the dating game for you.

I keep hearing women complain that other women are spoiling the pot of men for them and ruining men for long term committed relationships because they are willing to sleep with them too soon and do all kinds of crazy sexual acts. So my question to you is: what are YOU going to do about that?

While I agree that if more (or all) women had higher standards and more self respect we'd probably ALL be treated better; but, I think there are some other underlying issues that are really at play here. 

Get Out of The Land of Lack
"There aren't enough quality men."

"There aren't enough men who share my values"

"Other women have spoiled men."

"Men now expect me to do crazy things because other women will." 

All of the hand wringing and bemoaning about what other women are doing is a symptom of a lack mentality. It also keeps one in a state of perpetual victimhood and divisive with other women. It means that there's no point in making an effort because there is not enough to begin with or, that someone has taken something from you. You can't create your own so you blame outside forces. There is plenty so stop viewing the world this way. Pack up your bags and leave Lackland. 


Divisiveness Among Women
If a man really wants you and has to have you he will do what he needs to do to in order to live up to your standards- even your standards about sex. The fact that there may be 10 other women out there who would sleep with him in a millisecond won't matter. You won't have to compete in the Sexual Olympics in order to maintain his interest. 

Moreover, other women are not beholden to you and you are not beholden to them. Just because you live by a certain set of values does not mean that everyone else has to too because it will make the playing field more tolerable for you. Does anything in life work that way? 

And finally, why isn't anyone equally pointing the finger at men? Are they just innocent bystanders in the situation who can't think for themselves and control their behaviors and actions?  

"Sluts" Get Married Every Single Day
They also get wined and dined just like "good girls" do too- and not just by the men "that will have them." But do men take them seriously? Maybe, I'd say it depends on the man.

There is no quantifiable research or evidence out there that says that men prefer chaste women, or vice versa for that matter; this is just what people have said or have heard. I read the other day about how Ashley Dupre, remember her, is recently engaged and just had a baby girl. When I read that I said to myself WOW!...and then whispered a prayer for her daughter. Though Dupre's fiance, Mr. Earle's character is questionable and we don't know what goes on behind closed doors, be honest with yourself, on the surface Ashley Dupre is living the lifestyle many of you wish you had: man, ring, baby with a dash of comfort and luxury. For some men a woman's sexual past only matters so much. If men were only interested in virginal and chaste women, as some like to believe, women like Dupre would be relegated to a miserable, outcast existence. Being a "good girl" or a chaste woman doesn't make you any more or less deserving of a loving mate. 

(Oh and don't come at me with the white women can do things that black women can't argument because that's not the point. Moreover, this is certainly not an invitation or suggestion to have sex with every man you meet either.)

The Only Thing You Can Control Is YOU
Of the billions of people on this planet are you going to be in everyone's bedroom controlling their sex lives? Are you going to try and control someone else morality? All you really can do is live your own values, ultimately you can't change other people's behaviors. I used to be in the exact same position- worried about what other women were doing and how they were "ruining" men for me. Then I realized how exhausting and depressing that was. The only person I can control in the matter is me. I can't control men or other women. I can't spend my life concerned with who millions of other people are sleeping with and what they decide to do together. So I turned my focus back to me. 

If you want to wait till marriage for sex, do that. If you prefer to be in a monogamous relationship before having sex, do that. If you want to have a slew of one night stands, do that.  Live your life according to your values as best as you can. This however does not mean that there won't be drawbacks or consequences for your lifestyle choices- that comes with every decision you make. The bottom line is to stop worrying about other people are doing and DO YOU. The life you desire will take its shape.