Own It!

"I have what men want" - Kola Boof

We all do. We each have something that men want. Figure out what your something is and own it. Work it. Play it up to your advantage.

Questions From Non-Black Men

Non-black men are interested, ladies.

I’ve received messages from non-black men seeking answers as to what are the best ways to meet and relate to YOU. I often wonder if we as BW are sometimes missing the signs and signals- I admit I may also be guilty of this as well. So I thought a blog post would be a great way to answer some questions I’m getting and to also hopefully generate some discussion.


One of my pet peeves about men who give relationship advice to women is that although it is good to hear their perspectives they can’t always understand the female experience and how their advice impacts it. So forgive me if as a woman I cannot completely relate to the male experience.

Finally, as every woman is different and has her own individual preferences I can only speak in generalities. On to the questions, round one!

How can you tell if she’s interested? What are the signs, facial expressions, and body language?

Sometimes in the seemingly never ending bus-i-ness, women aren’t always up on their flirt game. Sometimes we’re just not even thinking about it. BUT there are some subtle signs that she may be interested or open to interacting with you:

• Does she smile at you or in your direction?'
• Can you recognize her 5 second flirt?
• Does she compliment you or ask you for help with something?
• When you're talking does she seem interested or engaged in the conversation?
• Is her demeanor pleasant, cheerful, happy?
• Body language - is her body pointed toward yours (i.e. legs crossed, knees pointed in your direction).

Ladies, this is also a heads up for you- are you putting any of the above into practice while you're out and about?

For the men, with all that said keep in mind though that you are the man in this situation and (despite what some would say) we do still live in a patriarchal society so, if you are interested you should approach her first. I understand the fear of rejection but it's a part of life that we all deal with- men and women both.

What do black women like, makes them happy, and what are they really looking for?

This is pretty individual as each woman has different needs. But I think BW for the most part want to be honored, loved, cherished, protected, and respected by the men in their lives. If you can demonstrate that to her that you can do that then you will go far.

If there is a woman you are interested in particular, see if there is a way to find out what makes her happy or what makes her tick. Talk to her friends or associates (this can be done in a casual, informal, way without belying your interest), or befriend her.

I would caution though that unfortunately, there are some BW out there that are just un-responsive or un-moved by non-black men and no matter how persistent the man may be she will still remain closed to him. If you find yourself interacting with a woman like this I would suggest cutting your losses and moving on.

What are BW looking for in a man?

Probably the same things that other women are looking for. Again, this is an individual question as each woman will be different. What may help is to first determine what you need and what you can bring to the relationship table. This will help you and the women you're involved with to better determine if you're a good fit for each other.

What are the best ways to meet BW?

Online dating would be the obvious approach and there are great sites out there: Match.com or InterracialMatch.com. I would also suggest a 2 pronged approach though:

1. Get in to her environment
2. Look around your own environment.

Approach #1.) - I've always suggested to women to first figure out what kind of man you want to be with and the figure out a way to get into his world. So I'd say the same to men. Determine the type of woman you'd need in your life and then figure out where she would be: Who is she? Will she work in a particular industry? Live in a certain neighborhood? Be of a certain faith? Have specfic types of interests? Attend certain types of events? Etc.

Approach #2.) - Take a look around your own environment (i.e. your workplace, religious community, etc.) are there any black women of interest to you there? I say this because as a non-black man you don't have to deal with the issues of race and self-segregation unless you choose to; therefore, if there are BW in your immediate environment- workplace, neighborhood- it's more likely that she would be receptive to your approach then women who interact in more segregated environments. Make sense?

I look forward to your feedback and comments on this topic.

Sometimes I Just Can't Write

..Sometimes I feel like I've run out of things to say.

I'm glad that there are other black women's interest bloggers out there, some brand new and others recently discovered, providing fresh and alternative voices to the mainstream:

A Swirl Girl
http://aswirlgirl.com/
@ASwirlGirl

The World of Miss. Glamtastic
http://missglamtastic.blogspot.com/

The Moxie Sophic Blog
http://themoxiesophic.com/
@TheMoxieSophic

LorMarie’s Place
http://lormariesplace.com/

She Wore A Pink Flower In Her hair
http://sheworeapinkflower.blogspot.com/

Married Girl In A Weird World
http://marriedgirlinaweirdworld.wordpress.com/
@blk_dahlia2

I Strongly Encourage You To Take A Media Fast

The internet has done wonders for my insecurity, and I don't mean that in a positive way.

I strongly encourage everyone to take a media fast at one point or another. I've done several. For Lent last year I gave up social media (Facebook and Twitter) and I closed out last year without Facebook at all. I didn't check my FB account for the month of December and I also did a massive friend/page purge. For the new year I intend to spend less time on the social media website. I still like Twitter however as I feel that it is a bit more insulated and doesn't put everything out there like Facebook does.

I've also stopped reading many gossip and celebrity blogs. Of the blogs that I frequent, I've kept my participation in the comments sections to a minimum. I still like to catch up on the news and read my Sunday paper (coupons!) but even that can be too much sometimes considering what the news media has become and the fact that negative news is much more likely to sell papers. Overall I've decided to spend less time reading articles about:

• Statistics!
• Relationships
• Marriage rates
• Divorce rates
• Infidelity
• What people want/don't want
• Fertility/Infertility
• Why you're single (Do these people know YOU personally?)
• What you should be doing, what you're doing wrong, why you're not perfect.

I'm officially over it. Everyone will have an opinion, thought, or idea that is unique to their own experiences. Don't let someone else's experiences inform your personal reality. I found that to be happening.

Social media is a great way to connect and I cannot count how many friends and like-minded people I've met through social media. It's also a great way to stay abreast of events and what's happening in your back yard as well as around the world. But I've found that I am a sensitive person and that I really have to be diligent about protecting myself mentally, emotionally, and physically. I have to be careful about what I expose myself to and take in. You might need to too.

9 Signs He May Be a Confirmed Bachelor/Commitment-Phobe/Serial Dater

Is he 45+ and hasn’t ever been married?

Does he continue to claim that he just hasn’t met the right girl yet?

Did you meet him on an internet dating site? For some men online dating is like shopping in bulk.

Does he claim to want to get married and settle down but hasn’t been in a committed relationship in years…or ever?

Did he disappear on you after 2 or 3 dates? (Don’t try to find him.)

Is he a busy professional that only talks about work to the exclusion of other subjects and interests? Is he married to his career?

Does he know about all of the trendy hot spots and happenings in town? (He maybe more interested being seen out and about with a cute girl than with actually getting to know her.)

Is he content to spend weekends alone or with his buddies and has no interest in seeing you during the weekend?

Is he more interested in bedding you than emotionally connecting with you? Is it difficult for him to connect with people on non-superficial levels?

If you answered yes to 4 or more of these questions you may have a Serial Dater/Commitment- Phobe/Confirmed Bachelor on your hands and should consider continuing to date others.

HAPPY NEW YEAR...

and welcome 2012! Make this your best year yet.

Gratitude

I am participating in the 31 Days to Reset Your Life program at Happy Black Woman. The program is designed to help you evaluate your goals and priorities and think about how they relate to your life today and in your future. You can learn more about the program by clicking the links above. Today’s lesson is about gratitude and keeping a gratitude journal!

Research has shown that a sense of thankfulness in your everyday life is good for your mental and emotional health and well-being. I’ve observed this in my life. As described by UC Davis psychologist Robert Emmons:

“The evidence that cultivating gratefulness is good for you is overwhelming. Gratitude is a quality that we should aspire to as a part and parcel of personal growth…Specifically, we have shown that gratitude is positively related to such critical outcomes as life satisfaction, vitality, happiness, self-esteem, optimism, hope, empathy, and willingness to provide emotional and tangible support for other people, whereas being ungrateful is related to anxiety, depression, envy, materialism, and loneliness.”

I also think that this exercise is a great way to reflect during this holiday season. Therefore, I have decided to share part of my gratitude list with you. Today I am grateful for:

• The #31DayReset

• My career and my amazing work family!

• BWE and all of the new BWE and BW’s interest bloggers who are coming up.

• A roof over my head and food in the refrigerator

• My health
  

What are you grateful for in your life?