Book Review: Swirling: How to Date, Mate, and Relate Mixing Race, Culture, and Creed

Considering the volume of Christelyn Karazin’s audience and the regular readers and commenters on the site BeyondBlackWhite.com I’m sure this book will be a best seller indeed! 



Karazin's book Swirling is definitely geared toward black woman’s interest and I would consider it an IR dating primer for novices and those exploring the issue. Its a good reference book on the issue of IR dating for black women answering the questions: Are non-black men really interested in BW? How do you meet non-black men? Is there a type of non-black man that is more likely to swirl? How do you manage family or stranger disapproval? 


I found some of the topics and discussions to be a little old hat for me, but I respect that not everyone is in the same place- not to say anything bad though. I would recommend the book most to women who have never dated IR or who are still on the fence about dating IR. There are some really good chapters that provide some great insights. There is an especially thorough chapter on dealing with men of not just a different race but of a different culture as well. Karazin and Littlejohn make great use of experts in fields ranging from: psychology, dating/marriage, inter-cultural relations, and even self defense (for those rare instances when outsiders feel the need to show their disapproval through intimidation).  



Swirling also doesn’t “bash” black men or aim to try to convince BW to date IR, it simply provides tips to navigate the waters of IR and inter-ethnic dating.




Swirling reads very quickly, the chapters seem to whiz by or, maybe I’m just a fast reader- I say that about every book I read don’t I? Nonetheless, I think Swirling is worth checking out. 

Why Do Women Give Up?

I really debated about whether or not to post this blog because it’s a very vulnerable post for me and I don’t usually put myself out there like this. I also don’t want to give BW detractors a platform in which to twist my words.

But none of this is really just about BW as I hear this same sentiment from women of all colors and backgrounds. Furthermore, if I’m true to my belief in empowering women in their relationships, then I feel the need to share what makes me feel empowered in order to maybe help others.  

In my opinion, the constant focus on singleness and marriage rates is really diminishing women of their power. I’m all for women reclaiming their power in relationships and I feel that this constant talk about men and what men want only returns the power balance back to men. I’m starting to think that all of these articles, books, blogs, discussions etc. only serve to keep women in a constant state of insecurity and not really living (Feel a little dead inside sometimes? Its because you're not being yourself). It's truly dis-empowering and I for one am tired of talking about it! This is probably why you haven’t seen me too much in these parts lately. 

I came to this realization on Sunday and I have to admit it was completely liberating. Think about it. If women stopped caring and feeding the monster, men would be like: What just happened? No one’s talking about us anymore?   

My message isn’t that you should give up on love, marriage, romance- the whole sh'bang. Certainly not! I’m just leaning toward not making men the focus. Trying to “cure” singleness will certainly lead to a bad relationship. Instead do things because you want to do them. Go out so that you can enjoy yourself AND to potentially meet people- as opposed to solely going for the purpose of meeting people. I usually have much more fun when I practice the former and I’m probably a better person to be around then too. Take care of your appearance because it makes you feel good about yourself and gives you confidence as opposed to serving the end goal of making yourself more attractive to someone else. There are plenty of “gorgeous” single women and just as many married “unattractive” or plain looking women.

Speaking of married women, you don’t have to be perfect and not every woman’s path will be the same. Some of the frustration in talking with married women, and I why I also filter their advice/messages too, is the lack of sympathy and understanding. As if:

“Yeah, it was so easy for me to meet my husband, why can’t you do it? Are you even trying, really?”

Yes, I am trying, thank you! And yes, I have wanted to slap a few ladies. But isn’t this part of the game though in making men the prize? Pitting women against each other: I have something you don’t; I did what you can’t seem to do; and other ways of sowing seeds of discord and distrust among women. Who really wins in a battle where women fight over men and relationship status? 

I just wish there could be more camaraderie and support among women. BUT! BUT! BUT, other people (married women included) are not responsible for your life and your happiness. Besides it really is every woman for herself and you should know that by now. Thanks patriarchy! 

So with all that said, I give you (not that you really needed it) - and myself- permission to live for a change and enjoy the journey to getting to where you want to be. Don't give up but don't compromise yourself either.

The Month of April Review

This post was inspired by HappyBlackWoman.com and the monthly evaluation she conducts. I like this exercise because it has really forced me to drill down and think about the life that I want to have. What are my goals? What am I really doing in order to attain my desired lifestyle?

One word to describe the month of April: Hibernation

I’ve been dealing with a lot of stagnant energy in my life the past few months and it’s been beyond frustrating! I’ve also been dealing with a lot of stress as well. February and March were very stressful and unhappy months for me. I’ve been trying to make changes and do different things but I still feel stuck! So like a bear I’ve been hiding out for the winter.

For this exercise I decided to focus on the areas of: finance, health and wellness, social and leisure. In April I:

Financially:
I paid off a major bill and Inspired by Alphanista.com, made a list of all of my current and potential income streams

Health and Wellness
I made progress toward my get hot(er) before it gets hot goals. Bikini season is fast approaching! I have plenty of confidence but there are still things I am insecure about. I’m learning to not get so caught up on the numbers on the scale but to also take note of other indicators like body fat percentage, BMI, measurements, and how my clothes are fitting. I’m focused on building more muscle to lean up.

Inspired by this article I decided to start and keep a gratitude journal. At the end of each day I compile a list of at least 5 good things that happened that day and 5 things that I am grateful for in my life- you can list more of course. Doing this has definitely helped me to be more positive, grounded, and appreciative of all of the wonderful things I have in my life already.  

Social
I attended Easter service at my church and volunteered in the nursery with the babies. This challenged my comfort zone as I’m used to greeting- the adults- at church. I was disappointed that the other aids didn’t trust me at first with the babies. Granted it was my first time in the nursery and they didn’t know me but, my baby instincts proved to be good! 


I also joined two new Meet Up groups this month, on focusing on hiking and outdoor activities and the other focused on wine tasting. Both things I enjoy.

I’m an avid reader- and I had a lot of books to clear from my reading cue- so I was able to read:

1. The Art of Intuition
2. Life Is Not A Reality Show
3. I Thought It Would Never Come
4. How To Get Married in a Year or Less

I usually don’t take to Penelope Trunk’s writing, I find her a bit harsh for my tastes; but, this comment from this article really hit home:

"Getting a spouse is the first big test of your networking abilities. If you’re really well networked, like George Percy, then you can look around at who you know and who your friends know and pick someone."

Wow! You know the adage “you are who you hang with” and this article really made me think about and take a look at the people around me and what I was doing about it. I know what I want in a mate- we’ve got that down- it’s finding it that’s the hard part.  


Spring/Summer are MY seasons. I am happy that winter is finally over so that I can come out of hibernation. So for the month of May I expect to:

1. Moratorium on books for the month! I'm done with my reading cue.
2. Make a list of the neighborhoods I'd like to move to.
3. Develop a plan of attack for finding a new job and developing a side hustle.
4. Lose 5 lbs (that's 1 lb per week).
5. Maintain my gratitude journal until at least May 15th.
6. Devote 1 to 2 nights per week to going out and socializing more.
7. Go on at least 2 Meet Up outings, so far they've conflicted with my schedule.

I think these 7 things are doable. Wish me luck!

Is Halle Berry The Only Actress That Can Play You?

Pam Grier

Pam Grier Wants Halle Berry To Portray Her In Biopic 

Aretha Franklin

Aretha Franklin wants Halle Berry to Portray Her in Film 

Halle Berry

Why does seemingly every black actress want Halle Berry to play them in a biopic?

Are Aretha Franklin and Pam Grier biracial? Really, aren’t there other actresses out there? Kerry Washington, Naturi Naughton, Jennifer Hudson, Taraji Henson. We’re a little too reliant on Ms. Berry.  

With the way people talk you’d think Halle Berry were the only black (biracial-black) actress in Hollywood. What will happen when Berry turns 50 and can’t pull off the same roles anymore?  I guess they’ll start asking for Paula Patton then.

We don't all look the same- and that's a good thing. 


If it were me, I’d want a complete unknown actress to play me; especially seeing as how I don’t look like anyone else in Hollywood- a fact that I absolutely love by the way. I love that I look different.

Kola Boof once said that there is tremendous value in looking different. I think more women should learn that lesson instead of trying to achieve the same look. When you're all the same, you're just interchangeable parts. 

Book Review: "Life Is Not A Reality Show"

If you follow my Twitter (@Zabeth8) then you know that I am a Real Housewives super fan! I watch all of the shows incarnations on Bravo. Yes, All.Of.Them. So, I decided to pick up Kyle Richards’ book from my library on a lark- not expecting much.

Needless to say I was pleasantly surprised! Life Is Not A Reality Show is not what I expected at all! Richards offers some very good advice about dating and marriage so that you too can find your very own Mauricio Umansky!

Richards’ advice is actually very Rules-y! Some gems include:

• Marry the right guy in the first place! In other words do your vetting due diligence. 
• DO play hard to get! While reading I learned that Kyle made some very calculated moves while dating Mauricio- some things that many women wouldn’t think to do anymore.
• WAIT for sex.
• Understand that men and women are different.
• There is nothing wrong with wanting a man who successful and brings something to the relationship table but don’t be completely dependent on him. 

She also poses some very good questions you should be keeping in the back of your mind while evaluating your guy. 

There’s also some really great motherly and sisterly advice as well as beauty and hair care tips (Kyle Richards is famous for her mane) and some entertaining and party planning tips. I loved seeing all of the family photos too.

It isn’t rocket science. The book is very easy to read and flows well. I felt like Richards was actually talking with me the whole time. However, all of the Ha! and Ha-Ha!’s sprinked throughout the text started to get annoying, they sounded like a cackle in my head after a while. HA!

Overall I enjoyed reading Life Is Not A Reality Show. It's a laid back but insightful read. 

For more information on the author you can find Kyle Richards on Twitter here and on Facebook here.  

Comfort Zone

I've heard it said that once the pain of staying the same becomes greater then the pain it would take you to change, you will do whatever it takes to change.

The below story is adapted from one of the Buddhist Jataka Tales. I don't know the exact name of it but I read about it in the book Radical Acceptance: Embracing Your Life With The Heart of a Buddha by Tara Burch. I've seen this story play out many times before.

In a previous life the Buddha was a good merchant living in a small village in north India. One afternoon, while working in his shop, he saw a beautiful and luminous person walking across the town square. Stunned, he continued to watch. He felt his heart light up in celebration. He had never felt or sensed the divine shining forth with such immanence.

The merchant knew that he wanted to serve this being and give his life to awakening such love in his own heart. With great care he prepared a tray of fruit and tea to offer as nourishment to this being. He stepped out into the sunlit day, moving joyfully toward the luminous being who seemed to stand awaiting him.

When the merchant was halfway across the town square, the daylight turned to darkness. The ground quaked violently and a gash in the earth appeared between him and the one he longed to serve. Lightning bolts ripped through the sky, and he saw the glaring eyes and bloody mouths of horrifying demons. He was surrounded by the voices of Mara: "Go back! Turn around! It's too dangerous, you won't survive!" As crashing thunder shook the air the voices continued to warn, "This way is not for you! Who do you think you are? Go back to your shop, to the life you know."

Terrified, the good merchant was about to turn around and run for safety. But at that moment his heart swelled with a longing so great that his desire for love and freedom was stronger than any voice of warning or doubt. With that, the merchant took a step into the dark chaos...and then another.

The demons disappeared, the light of day returned and the earth came back together.

The merchant, full of joy, found himself standing right in front of the luminous figure and the great being embraced him saying "Well done, bodhisattva, well done. Walk on through all the fears and pain in this life. Walk on following your heart and trusting in the power of awareness. Walk on, one step at a time, and you will know freedom and peace beyond all imagining."

What Is An Angry Entitled Man?

We've addressed other syndromes afflicting certain segments of the male population on this blog in the past as well.

I can't remember or find the exact quote but I've heard it said that certain groups are most oppressed in places where their capability is most feared. Women have made some pretty incredible strides over the past hundred years, so I suppose that it should be no surprise that there is now much backlash against women's choices, opportunities, and achievements. But make no mistake, this is all about control. The Angry Entitled Man Syndrome (AEMS) has reared its fat, ugly, balding, head.

AEMs want society to regress- a return to the "good ol' days" of pre- 1960s America. Society and the economy have changed a lot over the past 50 or 60 years and many have not been able to adjust nor were they prepared to make adjustments- this breeds resentment. Many men are now angry because they no longer understand their place in society and feel that their significance in the world has been attacked; and since they can't CONTROL OTHER MEN they need to feel that they can still control women.

The AEM wants to control: what women do; when, where, and with whom women have sex; who women choose as partners; women's reproductive choices and options; how women choose to live their lives; how much education is appropriate for women; etc. The AEM will use shame, anger, bullying, his fists, or even legislation in an attempt to control women's movements. He feels entitled to do this by virtue of having a penis- because back in 1940, the good ol' days if you will, that was all he needed in order to maintain said control.

I appreciate that many men who feel this way are getting up there in age and will die off soon- perhaps that wasn't very Christian of me to say but, oh well. That does not change the message that they are sending to their sons and grandsons as well as the contingent of men who now view women and their progress as a threat. So as women it is ever important to take a step back and observe the current situation and maintain vigilance. This election is going to be even more important that I originally realized.